I meet Tyra at a lecture for entrepreneurs. In a warm room without ventilation, I speak to an eager audience, which actively participates and asks plenty of questions. In the middle of the lecture, a young woman leaves the room. During the after-drinks, she comes to me. She says she suffers from fears, especially in cramped spaces. She asks if I also offer individual coaching for this.
Tyra tells me during our meetings, in which I also ask about her origin, that her father drank and at crucial moments of her upbringing shone with inactivity. He lay on the couch and showed no real interest in his two children. One day Tyra had broken her arm and was in pain. In his drunkenness, he could not react to the pain and it took forever for him to act. Tyra had to do it alone.
As an adult, Tyra falls in love with a fashionable man who works in sales. During a dream vacation, he tells her that he uses drugs, but does everything to get rid of them. Tyra expects that more stability will help him. She becomes pregnant. The more baby items that appear, the more often her boyfriend leaves her alone. With the view of harmony and steadfastness, he will use more drugs. Shortly after giving birth, he leaves her and the baby.
Without realizing it, Tyra has chosen a man who is as absent-minded as her father used to be. Now she has to do it alone. Fierce fears fly at her. She takes care of her son and is there for him, even if she wakes up trembling from her dreams. She sees dangers around her that aren’t there. She panics in the company of a group of people. Can you still get out? She must be able to get out at any moment to continue on her own.
Fear in your body
I ask her where the fears manifest themselves in her body. She feels pressure in the chest and a cramped feeling in the solar plexus, especially when she talks about her father, about her ex or about the days after the birth. We train to dare to feel these fears by removing the resistance. We agree that she can call when she feels intense fears again.
One evening the phone rings. She has arranged to babysit and is out for dinner with friends. “I’m in the car,” she says. ‘I had a panic attack at the table. I can not breathe’. We do the now-familiar exercise together over the phone. After 10 minutes she indicates that she can continue alone. It is a defining moment for Tyra. She finds that she can calm her fears herself. From that moment on it gets better. She begins to understand how her ex is trapped in a similar story to her father.
A year later, he announces that he also wants to take care of his son. Tyra understands that this is important to both him and their son. It also becomes a motive for him to start therapy now.
Old sore from then in the now
Tyra met the old sore that had arisen in the relationship with her father, again with her ex. The remarkable thing is that by feeling the fears that arose, she not only processed that her ex had left her so poignantly but also the fears of the past. She could now talk about it calmly. It made it possible for a new relationship to develop between Tyra and her father, who had stopped drinking. He develops a beautiful bond with his grandson. He gives him what he left behind with his daughter.