Arguing with your partner during the holidays? This way Christmas can be nice again

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Arguing with your partner during the holidays? This way Christmas can be nice again
Research has shown that most people divorce in January. Marriage seems to survive Christmas less well. And you? Do you still remember last year’s Christmas quarrel? Do you already feel tense about whether it will go well this year? Afraid of arguing again, feeling lonely and sad? More than usual, Christmas shows painfully what is actually going on in a relationship.

If you go into Christmas too tired

It’s Christmas  Day. Just before leaving for the annual family dinner with your parents, which you dread, because the relationship with your parents/in-laws is not that good. You vividly remember last year’s fight before you left, but you’re doing your very best to avoid it today. You do everything you can to feel that connection with your partner and children when you sit at the table with your parents/in-laws.

Arguing with your partner during the holidays? This way Christmas can be nice again

You just went into the holiday so tired of all the crafts and dishes that had to be made for Christmas dinner at school (and you hadn’t even caught your breath from Sinterklaas), finishing your own work, getting your secondary school child because he was already finished and then also those network drinks where you were supposed to be and you went well.

Oh yeah and then you had to do all the shopping because your partner had a deadline that he couldn’t get out of. It was still a question of whether he would be able to finish it before Christmas. And your youngest got sick the 2nd day of the holiday, that could also be added.

Tensions are mounting at home. You show your new dress and when your sweetheart doesn’t say exactly the right thing, the bomb explodes. In tears you scream: ‘You are never there for me, I am always alone!’ And he sneers back: ‘It’s always the same shit with you when we go to your family! If I have to, I’m not going! Then I’d rather celebrate Christmas without you!’.

The children stand and watch. Depressed, sad. You feel a stab of pain and sadness run through your body and you don’t know how to get your family to sit at the table with your parents for a while. You don’t know how to have a good time together for the rest of the day. Is this recognizable? Are you too tired to go into Christmas, again, despite your intention?

Are there tensions between you? Do you often argue and feel that you are on your own? Have you not really reached each other for a while? Are you hoping that Christmas will bring you a little closer together? Do you just not understand how things can go wrong again and again? Are you afraid that your love might not survive this year at all? Then it is necessary that you first understand what exactly happens at Christmas.

Christmas is nothing but everyday life, and then magnified

Arguing with your partner during the holidays? This way Christmas can be nice again

We want so much Christmas to be cozy, we want to feel that we are connected. And when your relationship falters a little or is under pressure because having children is a challenge in itself, Christmas is more like a drop in the bucket than a stopgap.

What we often forget is that Christmas is an enlargement of the normal way. It is a kind of one-pot meal in a pressure cooker. Everything comes together and it quickly becomes clear what is going on. It is precisely the free time we have together, which we hope will work wonders, that painfully reveals what is really going on. The togetherness we long for exposes what is not going well.

Add to this, when there are normally already some tensions between you and your (in-law) family, that Christmas dinner with your family is more of a challenge than a nice moment of togetherness where you can be yourself and you have all the ingredients for a small disaster scenario. A scenario of quarrel and sadness, even more distance from you and your love. Which you swallow again because tomorrow it’s Boxing Day with your (in-law) family.

Do you want a different scenario for the coming Christmas?

It’s up to you

It’s not about Christmas. Or how your parents (in-law) always react, even if it’s still not nice what they do. It depends on you. How your relationship is going right now. I know this hits hard. Precisely because you do your best and want it so badly. It just really is. And you know, precisely because it is up to you and you together, you can also solve it.

How Christmas can be nice together again

Arguing with your partner during the holidays? This way Christmas can be nice again

Maybe it’s a bit too much to ask to have a nice Christmas together when the above seems to be all about you. But a good insight is half the battle.

‘You never solve a problem at the level on which it arises, but always at the deeper layer below’.

So a merry Christmas starts with you.

A little research in advance of this Christmas is worth it to perhaps remove some sharp edges. I would therefore like to ask you the following questions:

The solution lies at the deeper level of your connection, and there lie your own patterns that block you from being yourself, connecting with your partner and your children.

The answers to these questions will give you insight into why things keep going wrong. And beneath these answers is hidden a little hurt child,  your old pain, your little inner child. Just grab her or him, ask what it needs and give it to her. That will ease it for now. Do you want to know where you stand in your relationship, advice and a concrete assignment for your home? Then complete the free partner test and discover more about yourself and your relationship.

 

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