Monday, December 5, 2022
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Coming home from a long journey

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Last summer an image kept running through my head. It hangs somewhere in the background. It is not a conscious thought but it is strongly present. An image that I fall down. Kneeling on the ground.

The realization that enough is enough. Tired. With the last energy I put down my sword. My shield down. I don’t need it anymore. I no longer have to fight. It’s time. High time. And I start crying.

Tears of sadness run down my cheeks. I am completely exhausted. Of the long journey I’ve traveled. A new beginning is dawning.

My sister is getting married. If I remember any anecdotes. Funny past events. I try my best but it doesn’t work. I’ve closed myself off. Long ago. I don’t remember. I can’t feel it. It’s a closed book. I still have some vague memories. But it is no longer alive.

My feeling

Loneliness is a concept that runs like a red line through my life. Not to be confused with being alone. I often felt alone. While I wasn’t. But I couldn’t get rid of my feelings. Not often enough. Not deep enough. And I couldn’t express it.

I was alone in it. In the thoughts I had. I couldn’t lose them with anyone. I could lose them but I felt no connection. No connection. Time after time. It made me turn away from childhood. I developed people skills. A strong inner compass. I was going to do my own thing. Whatever happened.

I moved two years ago. To Portugal. I bought a piece of land. In Alentejo. The year before that I had sold my apartment. I was done in the Netherlands. Realized that I was at a dead end. Couldn’t get rid of my egg.

I followed a permaculture course in the Azores and then traveled ashore. And in the southwest I fell in love. On the cork trees. The coastline. The Portuguese. The landscape. And the stars. I was withdrawn by mother nature and felt right at home. I could breathe again. And grounds. A sense of recognition. The long longing.

My own way

At Christmas, my mom used to tell me how lucky we are. And I knew what she meant. But I didn’t feel it. I could n’t connect my feelings with her words. Something that has been going on for years. I did everything my own way. I knew it all myself.

My parents with the best intentions. But I lost the connection. I stubbornly went my own way. And that sometimes led to discussions. Other opinions. They saw it their way and I saw mine. It’s not about ‘what’, it’s about ‘how’, I defended myself. We didn’t understand each other. And maybe I didn’t want to understand them.

I’ve been slowly unraveling that part since last summer. The cramp pulls out of my body. Which I have maintained for years. Have tolerated. Have carried. To find what I was looking for. To get where I wanted to be. It is no longer necessary.

I am where I want to be. I have the answers to my questions. And I’m connected again. More than ever. With a deep love. For life. For nature. And for the people around me. The process has begun. Light shines through my childhood again.

Through my childhood. Because of my upbringing. What I had disconnected from. Where I didn’t want to feel anymore. To protect my self. My seed. My seedling. To walk my own path. Living my own ideas. Now I am home. Is there room again? A feeling of being completely myself. Firmly anchored. I can go back in time. Accept invitations. Feel the past. And heal. I’m open to it. It may be there again.

My dream

Meanwhile I started my dream. A small campsite. A food forest. A practice for holistic health. Ecological building. workshop. A long wooden outdoor table. Where we all eat. And drink. And laugh. And philosophize. In abundance. A dream that was only possible because of my parents.

Because of their upbringing. Because of the foundation they have given me. Because they were always there for me. Because they have taught me manners and norms and values. Because they gave me what they thought would be best. My dream is their dream.

No doubt. It was a one-two punch. Subconscious. But now it may be there. Consciously. And it is there. Filled with love. And I hope we can enjoy it together for a long time to come.

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