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Connection: Do you choose happiness or right?

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“So you make decisions based on your gut feeling ,” my old friend O echoed on the phone. We discussed the pandemic. I thought I could sense a combination of surprise, incomprehension, concern and pity in his voice. You don’t! Deciding on your feeling, how do you get it in your head. You make decisions based on facts. Based on data. Science. Numbers, Formulas and Letters. †

I reluctantly explained, because how long has he known me (or not?), that I always use my head. I also process that information, the data, figures and science, but in the end, as I almost always do, I let my gut feeling decide.

What does my inner knowing say about this, what do I feel in my heart? Somehow I understood that there were two different perspectives on masculinity colliding here. The down-to-earth family man who likes to base himself on worldly facts and data and I, the intuitive man who also uses his mind, but who really wants to feel everything from the inside.

When I was just in primary school, I wanted to learn to speak French and English so that I could play and talk with more children at the campsite in France. I also loved reading and watching TV because, like learning to speak other languages, it expanded my world so much. I not only devoured books, I also acquired a lot of knowledge without noticing. And I saw, by looking around me, that knowledge was valued in school and in society.

If you can remember many facts and reproduce them when desired, then that is ‘good’. And I was able to do that, with playful ease, even though I didn’t think going to school was easy because it was way too boring. I was considered an intelligent, if mostly underachieving, learner and Trivial Pursuit, how appropriate, was my domain.

But inside I didn’t understand what was generally considered intelligent around me. None of the reasons why I was seen as intelligent. Because understanding and remembering things was so easy for me – I often literally envisioned whole pages in my head when I had to reproduce something – I’ve never seen that as intelligent. After all, it didn’t cost me that much effort and knowledge, you had to work long and hard for that, I saw around me. That was a very serious matter.

So I couldn’t rhyme that internally. After high school, I’d had it with the boring school system, collecting book knowledge, and Trivial Pursuit. I was missing something in most teachers, in schools and in society that I couldn’t define for myself until many years later. I lacked knowledge based on Love and on Wisdom. That which I could feel somewhere inside. Don’t invent, don’t reproduce, don’t understand, butfeel .

After high school, I searched for love and wisdom around me for years. In society, in work, in relationships and in the other people around me, and I saw them regularly. For a long time I did not feel at home in this harsh, masculine energy dominated society full of reason and mind, where intuition and feeling were for a long time only attributed to women, hysterical or not, and children.

Where most people in my eyes wear a mask and are not authentic. Where we prioritize money over humanity. Completely separate life from each other, from our true being and from nature. Where we’ve all gone mad if you ask me, and keep seeing the emperor’s clothes. And for a long time I conformed myself to society, adapted myself to participate, so as not to fall out of the boat. Made myself small. Survive. Also masked. And also regularly insensitive and hard. Much rather right than happiness.

What I didn’t know at the time was that I had searched for jobs and environments completely unconsciously – guided by my soul , Ellen Scheffer might say – and found where my intuition, reason and feeling increasingly came into their own. As a package are increasingly appreciated. recognized. Seen. And therefore more and more by myself.

I got more and more confident. At that time I also did not realize that I was looking for and got relationships with sensitive and intuitive people who themselves had a lot of love and wisdom. Old souls. But by looking in all those mirrors long enough, I finally saw my own love and wisdom reflected. What I was looking for outside of myself I had found in myself. What I was missing in my life was myself.lucky or right

During our telephone conversation, my old friend awakened a sense of how I used to diminish and subordinate my own wisdom to what I thought was the societal norm. And sometimes even bigger, in my uncertainty. His question raised an old pain that I hadn’t thought about in a while. The pain of feeling rejected.

I finished the conversation as it is called, with only one thought in mind and that was that I wanted to keep the connection with myself, and with him at all times. Despite my strong old emotion. Somehow I felt that I myself had (and have!) the responsibility for my feelings and that if I don’t feel seen, this is because I don’t see myself enough. And rejection. It was a good reminder to stand behind myself and my choices. To be authentic.

My boyfriend, whom I met in 1999 when we were both working for the same big company, is an old friendbecause I think we both actively try our best (follow our hearts) to let the other be the other and we learn that our sometimes quite different perspectives can be side by side, rather than opposite.

That there is no single truth, but only personal perspectives on truth. That feeling is no less than thinking and no more. We prioritize space and connection, rather than opinion. And we are both a bit stubborn sometimes, not to give you a dream image. I regularly make an explicit effort to feel, as far as I can, that I put myself in his place.

Because of course I can never really put myself in his place, he can’t put myself in me, but you can make that heart connection in which all that falls away and the connection and love remain.

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