You immediately sense when someone is not being completely honest, especially when it concerns your partner. That can be nice, especially if it is your theme in your life. Honesty is something we all find very important. And at the same time, it’s one of the hardest things, because being really honest asks something of you.
Being honest takes guts
To be really honest you need guts. Both to be honest with yourself and with the other. And this is also the right order, only when you really dare to be completely honest with yourself, you are pure and transparent to the other. The guts you need to do this is because you stop perpetuating things that don’t actually work for anyone anymore, you stop being nice, you stop being someone you aren’t actually. It requires you to stop adapting.
That means that you can let go of your fears and that you also have to start feeling what you were actually doing all along. It means that you have to dare to see what you did to yourself and to others. And that’s something we often don’t want to see because we want to do it right. Feeling that you are hurting the other, that you are making mistakes, quickly puts you in loneliness that is painful.
We would rather stay away from that and not be completely honest, there is just a different turn than the easiest way. But it does lead to painful fights with your love because this is where the judging, projecting, and abandoning the other person starts because you are not responsible for what you create yourself.
Being honest is the ultimate form of self-love
I have always thought that ‘being honest’ was the same as ‘not lying’, although this belief has given me some difficulties.
The honesty I’m talking about goes further. That is about being present in every connection without noise, with acceptance of everything that is there, and always choosing the right one. Being honest with others is about pure love, being honest with yourself is the ultimate form of self-love.
Closer to yourself
To get to this honesty you have a road to travel. A road that is about clearing your old pain. The more old pain that still stands in your way, the more difficult it is to act, to speak, purely. If you are still unsure, and want to do everything right, then taking responsibility for your ‘mistakes’ is a difficult step. When you succeed, you come closer to yourself, your own core. And from that core you can act purely, you are your pure and true self.
Having fun together again
In order to achieve pure communication with the other, it is, therefore, necessary that you communicate purely with yourself. When you dare to see what you are doing, you are very receptive to the other. He or she then experiences that he or she can express himself with you, that mistakes can be made to learn from. Pure communication is an unconditional form of love that connects.
To get there, there are 5 important steps you need to take. I would like to explain them to you so that you can also take these steps, in your own way to have fun together again. Whether that is about the connection with yourself or with your partner. The latter follows the former.
5 steps to achieve pure communication
Stop adjusting and go your own way
As long as you continue to adapt to what is expected of you and to the wishes of the other person and it doesn’t feel right, you are not being honest with yourself or with the other person. You live a life you don’t want to be, you as someone you don’t want to be and deep down you aren’t at all. I always adapted to the other because I was afraid of rejection and of not being liked. I eventually discovered that this had to do with fear of loss, fear of being alone.
Don’t be afraid of loss anymore, but dare to be alone
My biggest challenge was letting go of expectations, daring to say no, and letting go of connections that were dear to me. But how scary was that, the idea that you would lose the other (in my case it was about my parents, in this interview you can hear my whole story about this process).
And yet what you have to do is to be really honest with yourself means also looking at what you feel, what you fear, but also seeing what you are creating. Because of the fear of loss, you often create your own construction in which you get stuck, in which you can feel that you have no way out.
Doing your own thing means losing the other person, at least that always invokes fear and continuing to adapt to the other makes you experience more and more that you are losing yourself. A split arises between yourself and the other that can no longer be done at a given moment. It gives you so much space within yourself (and also for the other) when you dare to feel that you can handle whatever comes your way on your own, that you can be alone and are no longer dependent on the recognition and company of the other.
Dare to say no to a future with the other and yes to yourself
And then this, well, this is a spicy one. No longer being afraid of loss 2.0 Really daring to say no to a future with the other, that you dare to break a connection without knowing whether it will be okay, whether there is still a future in it, creates a new and pure yes can arise. But without the no and the feeling of everything that goes with it, there will be no yes. So it is not just a trick that you can just use.
When you can and dare to do this, because you feel that the connection you have with the other is not good for yourself and therefore not good for the other person, then you do what is right for yourself. And that’s the yes to yourself: what do I need, what serves me, what works well for me. And therefore also for the other. It is serving the greater whole and not your own interest,
Stop being nice and do what is really necessary
Doing the right thing is usually not the most fun, at least in the beginning. Staying nice and staying present is not what is needed and in the end, it really costs you too much, at least for me. And I had to overcome a lot to dare that. I discovered that wanting to be nice, and wanting to be liked by others had everything to do with insufficient self-love.
Not being nice felt like doing something really wrong, letting others down, hurting others. Eventually, I learned that it was exactly the other way around, that wanting to be nice all the time was what wasn’t okay. Noise arises, not acting and speaking cleanly, you can no longer be honest if you feel that you are caught between your desire and the expectations of the other.
When a connection is unhealthy or painful for one or both parties, then something needs to change, be it your relationship with your partner, parents, a friendship, work relationship. Every connection is worth keeping pure, because you are worth it.
Stop wanting to do everything right and dare to see what you do to the other
Pure communication is about honesty, daring to see what is real. By that I mean that you can see and speak without noise, without limiting beliefs, that you can accept what is, without judgment. But also that you dare to see the things that you really don’t want to see, that you normally don’t like, or that you just laugh away at or where you do your best to keep the peace. That is not always easy, because that also means that you have to dare to see what goes wrong, hurts, what you do wrong, what you do to others. And just when you have trouble stopping adjusting, you will be busy trying to do everything right.
It became clear to me at some point when I discovered that I was going to manipulate, while this is really my biggest allergy to the other. Me, manipulate? At first I didn’t understand, didn’t I always try so hard to do everything right, to make everyone happy? But what I didn’t really realize before was that I felt less and less space of my own, it became more and more stuffy and actually no longer wanted to meet the expectations of the other person. But I didn’t dare leave either.
So the only solution for me was to bend the situation to my will, to control, to control the other. I can tell you that that caused quite a fight. Because I dared to see what I was doing, I also saw that it was not the other person’s fault. It was I myself who made the situation difficult, for I did not dare to be honest, I did not dare to leave, too afraid to lose everything. I didn’t really dare to say what I felt, thought and wanted.
From the moment I realized that I could also leave, I could leave the other person in his or her own way. This allowed me to be sincere and honest in my actions and speech. I came close to myself again and that left room for connection.
Pure communication leads to self-love and pure connection
The more open and pure you dare to be and speak, the finer the connection with yourself and the other. Honesty lasts the longest, even if you lose a connection because when you get stuck in what really doesn’t work for yourself, you are doing yourself a disservice and that will cost you a lot more. I could finally feel that I want nothing more than to be honest, no matter how difficult it may be at times.
In the end, it’s so liberating and you really see yourself, because you are everything, not only the good, but you also have dark sides. Fully accept everything that is around you, what you are experiencing, and yourself, and speak the pure truth. It makes you a beautiful person, you unique you as you are meant to be. It opens your heart and you come across on your path what is meant for you.
Do you want to gain insight into your communication?
Gaining insight into your own communication is very helpful in knowing what the steps are that you have to take to achieve pure communication. You gain insight into your communication by discovering which strategies you have built up in your life. And these show up in your face, in your nonverbal cues. Video analysis gives you the purest information about yourself, what noise and what is still in you. To look at yourself in this way is to really see what is there. Self-compassion and self-love arise.