Pattern from your childhood.
When you have experienced systematic disapproval in your youth, it has consequences for relationships later in life. To still gain approval from parents as a child, tuning in to their needs was second nature and you lost sight of yourself. As a result, you subconsciously chose a partner who continued the pattern of your parents.
Highly sensitive and a dominant partner
Highly sensitive people remarkably often have a relationship with a dominant partner. Clients regularly report that their ex-partner had narcissistic traits and that they did not feel free in the relationship. And afterwards they don’t understand how it could have come to this. Yet it is logical that a dominant person enters into a relationship with a highly sensitive person. After all, it is difficult for many HSPs to monitor their boundaries.
In addition, HSPs are able to feel the divine core of others like no other. The inner core of the human being, which is loving. Dominant people also have this loving core. But it is covered by dominant behaviors that arise from self-preservation.
As the relationship lasts longer, the partner’s dominant behavior increases. And worries and doubts arise in you. A dominant person is often verbally strong and knows how to justify his behavior with words. You doubt yourself and condone the bad behavior: he or she doesn’t mean it that way. Extended apologies tend to see the good in the other person.
Gradually you take your partner’s bad behavior for granted and hope for improvement. But when that other person cannot show his or her divine core due to his or her blockages, you continue to bump into the outside that manifests itself as bad behavior. The divine core of the dominant partner is hidden. Usually caused by pain and being hurt in childhood.
Having a dominant partner is not all negative. It serves a higher purpose. I regularly see that such a relationship sets in motion a process of awareness. People become more aware of themselves: their limits, wishes and desires. And they look within themselves for the reason why they have attracted this particular partner.
Blockade between your heart and your mind
When we experience disapproval at a young age and are not ‘seen’, we create blocks in ourselves. A blockage that I often encounter is a blockage between the heart and the head. In our hearts is love . In a healthy situation, this love flows upwards to our minds. This connection ensures that we make the right choices. Choices from our heart, based on love. Love for ourselves and for the people around us.
When there are blockages around our heart, we make different choices. We feel the love in our hearts, but we don’t act on it. On the other hand, we make choices that build on familiar patterns from our childhood. These choices give us a familiar feeling.
We are familiar with dominance, emotional distance, and disapproval. From these feelings it is therefore understandable that we unconsciously choose partners who continue the pattern from our childhood.
Different forms of dominance in relationships
One partner is more dominant than the other. Sometimes it is very obvious when there is violence in a relationship. But often the dominance is more subtle. In the sense that your partner’s words don’t match his or her actions. The other says you have the choice. But on a subtle level you feel that it is better to comply with his or her wishes. It seems as if your partner gives you freedom in your choices, but in fact that is not the case. The other has clear needs that you pick up easily, especially if you are highly sensitive. You know exactly what his or her wishes are and how you should act to meet these wishes.
Confusion and doubts
It is confusing when you are in such a relationship. The words the other says and his energy do not correspond. Your mind tells you that the other is loving, after all, he or she gives you the choice. But in your heart you feel that something is not right. Because the connection between your heart and mind is blocked, this situation can continue for a long time.
In your youth you have often heard that you do not comply and you have experienced disapproval. As a result, you are used to looking for yourself. The pattern from your childhood has been stored in your cells and is persistent. You are less aware of the fact that the other person is crossing your boundaries. Only when there is a growth in awareness or when the partner’s behavior becomes more extreme, the pattern becomes clear. Little by little, often with quite a few doubts.
When you do meet a loving partner later
Sometimes we then choose a partner who is loving and respectful, but we are not able to accept that love. We don’t recognize love, it makes us suspicious, anxious or even angry. We attribute the other properties that are not correct.
The way we experience the other is colored by our glasses: the glasses of pain. Through the glasses of pain, even a well-intentioned comment is misinterpreted. Mistrust complicates the relationship with a well-meaning and sincere partner. The anger and sadness that arose in your youth and continued in a previous relationship, you focus on your new partner. The new relationship also helps you in your growth process. This relationship makes it clear to you where your blockages are.
How to restore the connection between your heart and mind?
Bring your attention to the pain in your relationship and recall the images of what happened between you. How did you feel in his or her presence? Was there affection and how did you experience it? Perhaps memories of situations come back. Allow the feelings you felt at the time. Did you feel free? Did you feel seen? Or did you feel hurt?
And what was it like in your childhood? Do you see any parallels with then? What was your place in the family? How was your relationship with your parents?
Write it down , admit your feelings and let them out. Letting go precedes letting go. Have compassion for yourself and allow yourself to be sad. Crying and expressing anger are healing.
Try to avoid self-blame. You can blame yourself for not seeing what was actually going on before. And that you have not guarded your limits. But you can also realize that you had the ability to feel the loving of the other, through all layers of the behavior.
Reconnecting with yourself
The realization that you have let yourself down may hurt even more than the pain you have experienced by others. The fact that you have let yourself down by ignoring your own needs means that you have lost (part of) confidence in yourself. If you can’t rely on yourself, who can?
When you come to this discovery, you may lose heart. The way back, to the connection with your heart and to respond to this, seems long. As if the end point is unreachable. The end point where you live completely from your heart and listen to and respond to your own needs.
But you don’t need to see this endpoint. It often takes several years before we live completely from our heart. If you have not listened to your heart until now, it takes time to learn. It doesn’t matter, every step is one. Every choice in your own interest, no matter how small, deserves praise.
Accept the situation as it is now. Allow yourself to grieve for the love, understanding, and respect you have missed. Both in your youth and later in life. Allowing this sadness happens in small steps, a little at a time.
It is important to heal. With every piece that is healed, you make different choices. In terms of a new partner, but also in contact with other people. Allowing and letting go of the pain creates space for your needs and desires.
Past experiences make it clear to you what you do want. A loving connection with yourself and a relationship in which understanding and respect are central.