You don’t have to repeat the life of your parents, you can go your own way.
It is not surprising that an inner dialogue, aimed at the outside world, arises in which you are weighed and always found wanting. You can never get it right according to your inner critic. A child cannot understand why it is not being loved and will start to doubt itself and feel ashamed and guilty. A child takes the burden of the family on its shoulders.
It was fine at our house.
You can have grown up in a violent loveless family and be lonely sent into the grown up world with deep wounds and empty hands. But even in an apparently harmonious family, a lot can go wrong. Subtle manipulation, making you feel guilty in order to get desired behavior, those kinds of mechanisms cause deep wounds and can also lead to the development of a negative self-image, which you may find difficult to put your finger on later.
I’m fine the way I am.
Every child comes into this world purely and from love. you and me too. As the beautiful unique creature with its own talents and life lessons yet to be learned.
There is no good or bad, but development. A kid can’t do it wrong.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could give our children the freedom to develop at their own pace and encourage them to embrace their own beauty, talents and gifts? Isn’t that what we all really want?
But many of us are hurt children of hurt children and we have learned to listen to everyone but ourselves.
As I look back on it now, my parents were certainly also part of the bill. When I look at their childhood, it is not surprising that they have become who they are (were).
Neglected as a child and traumatized war victim, my father was a man who suffered in silence. My mother, who grew up in a family with an alcoholic father, could be described as a narcissistic personality.
I feel resistance rising in me as I write this, as if by naming this I am denying them the opportunity to grow. In my life/work I try to stay out of labels. Labels can be useful for naming certain characteristics and getting a sense of recognition and acknowledgment, which is a great relief.But a label can also be a limitation, a framework and an end point of our research where we are left behind as victims. We all come from somewhere. A label can get in the way of seeing a bigger picture.
Parent and child mirror each other.
The entire universe is working with you to open your eyes to see and love the pure you again. There is a magnetic pull that brings us together with unique opportunities to heal our inner child. Throughout my life as a young adult, I became painfully aware that I carried many of my mother’s characteristics with me. That’s not much fun to admit, because I’ve been really mad at her for a long time. When I had children of my own, I was shocked to see that my reaction pattern was very similar to that of my mother…
Because I still had certain traits of my mother so clearly in my mind and especially how much pain this had caused me as a child, an inner dialogue developed. This allowed me to continue to see my children as the unique beings that they are.But gradually I also got a little more understanding for my mother (I couldn’t forgive her then). Maybe I couldn’t feel it at the time, but I could remember my own pain. I definitely didn’t want this for my kids.
It is the love for my children and their unconditional love for me, their mother, that gave me the courage to look at myself and my own actions. Not an easy road in an unsafe world where I felt judged for who I really am. Step by step I was able to gradually leave behind the guilt and shame that colored and marked a large part of my life.
Forgiven, but not forgotten.
I have forgiven myself.
I have forgiven my mother .
This allowed me to disconnect from our family history. It gave me the strength to go my own new path. Now I recognize and I am aware and I no longer carry the burdens of generations before me.
Have you ever noticed that angel who was with you in all the difficult moments?
By comforting my children in their aches and pains, I also healed my own inner child. I came to understand myself again and realized that I too was just a child who deserved love. What did I need in those difficult situations, how would I do that as a mother of myself? That way I went back in time and lived through the little girl’s sorrow in the here and now, feel it. I found that lonely little child hiding at the bottom of the closet, crying heartbreakingly. I took her on my lap, close to my heart, put my arms around her and comforted her. It’s not your fault, it was never your fault . You are good the way you are, I love you.
When you heal yourself in the HERE and NOW, you also heal the past and the future.
You are that angel yourself.