Family constellation: what if you are not in your place within your family system?

Family constellation: what if you are not in your place within your family system?
Vague physical complaints, problematic relationships, constantly feeling empty and exhausted… When you are not in your place within your family system, the life energy stagnates. A family constellation can help you get it flowing, says holistic therapist Daniëlla van de Zande. “This powerful method exposes invisible and unconscious patterns. This creates space for healing and understanding.”

You can carry loads from the system that are not yours. This can manifest itself in addictions, insecurity, an inferiority complex or eating disorder, depression or fear of commitment.

Answers and insights

Major events within the family and family secrets have an enormous influence on our lives and on the extent to which we experience happiness in life. Often we are not aware of how our behavior, beliefs, and attitudes have been and are being influenced by the family in which we grew up.

Family constellation is a wonderful and powerful method, developed by Bert Hellinger, to get answers to various life questions and insights. It makes the hidden visible, offers us the opportunity to re-experience the connection with ourselves and our family members, and gives us the opportunity to free ourselves from suffocating patterns in a loving way.

Are you in your place within the family system?

Family constellation: what if you are not in your place within your family system?

Do you often feel responsible for the other person and do you find it difficult to indicate your needs and boundaries? Or do you feel the urge to constantly defend and prove yourself? Then it may just be that you have not taken your place within your family system. When you are not in your place, the life energy stagnates. There is no proper flow. This is expressed, for example, in vague physical complaints, problematic relationships, and feeling burned out. You can experience a continuously present emptiness.

Perfectionism or please-behavior

When you place yourself above your parents, it disrupts the family system. For example, if you had an authoritarian father as a child, you may experience that you are always looking for recognition. You want to be the best boy or girl in the class and you can struggle with perfectionism. The bar that was set so high for you at the time, you now set yourself.

If you grew up with an emotionally absent mother, you may still be looking for validation and recognition. You become involved in please-behavior, find it difficult to set boundaries, struggle with feelings of guilt and feel undervalued. You may also have difficulty maintaining relationships and suffer from fear of commitment and separation. You may feel like you are not moving forward. Like you’re being held back.

Wounds and scars

A family constellation exposes invisible and unconscious patterns. They are put on the table and can be recognized without judgment. This creates space for healing and understanding. When you look at your ancestral line, you see characteristics that correspond to your core. Then you also notice the changes that have taken place. Wounds and damage have left scars. As a result, the shape has changed, but the core has remained the same. Sometimes we forget that.

The memory of a family

Family constellation: what if you are not in your place within your family system?

We are all part of a family system. Each with its own values ​​and norms, rules, opinions, wishes and desires. Everyone within that system has a direct or indirect influence on each other. The family system has a so-called ‘systemic memory’. All experiences and events within a family are stored in this memory. Both positive and negative. Examples include divorce, war trauma, abuse and addictions, illness, death and family secrets.

Carrying burdens of others with you

All who are connected within one system, notice the influence of the events of the past, present and future. For example, you can carry burdens and debts with you from the system that are not yours. This can manifest itself in addictions, a feeling of guilt, insecurity, an inferiority complex or eating disorder, depression or fear of abandonment or commitment.

Blaming parents

But we cannot change what we are not aware of. And when we keep hiding behind that, nobody has to take responsibility. Thus, we remain guilt-free. We are only too happy to blame the parent or ancestor.

We are constantly acting from this debt. To assert ourselves, to affirm our existence, to feel valuable. In this way we can continue to exist in the form we have appropriated for ourselves. We matter. By doing this, we don’t have to take any responsibility. Don’t blame us, because we do our best! We are convinced that in this way we give out of love – and so it is good. We have been doing this for centuries. So are our ancestors.

A great unfulfilled desire

Know that our ancestors and ancestors acted from the best of their knowledge at that time. Only much later does the realization and awareness come that they have not always made the right choices. We – and often they too – would have loved to see it differently. Sometimes this realization never comes. We are only too happy to blame our parents. By laying it down with them, we don’t have to do anything with it. Thus your life is determined by a great unfulfilled desire, a hungry need that is never satisfied. It gnaws and eats you. We prefer to see the other go down on his knees. Head on the chopping block. That everything is put on the table. Finally we will be seen and heard. Receive recognition. right to exist.

Waiting all your life

It is too painful and too confronting to experience every time that the recognition does not come. We keep hoping, and this hope drives us on (and to madness). And so you can wait a lifetime, while life passes you by. At the same time, there is the longing for inner peace. Not realizing that it can be found in yourself as soon as you stop longing for and from the other. How can we expect our mothers to love us unconditionally when they have been deprived of their own mother’s love? How can we desire understanding from our fathers when their own fathers did not see them?

Because of their own conditionings, fears and beliefs they are no longer flexible. They collapse when life demands too much of them. They don’t sway on the waves and when it storms hard, they crumble. They remain motionless in the position they have assigned themselves. Waiting for the storm to pass.

Compassion and Forgiveness

Family constellation: what if you are not in your place within your family system?

An online family constellation turns out to be just as powerful as a physical constellation. During a family constellation, understanding is created for our parents and ancestors. Namely by realizing that they have acted on the basis of the knowledge and wisdom they had at the time. That helps us to be compassionate. to have understanding. Ultimately, forgiveness arises naturally, which brings us back to our core. The core that we have inherited from our ancestors.

So perfect, so very, so extraordinary. That is where all the secrets lie. Ancient wisdom, knowledge. Our talent and our gifts. They have traveled with us in the soul. Handed down from generation to generation. Through family constellations, we can once again experience the Love of which we exist. Return to our origin. Coming home. Finding recognition in our ancestors. Honor them for the path they have walked for us. Be grateful.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here