The beaten path, your way of origin
Imagine. Such a beautiful country road somewhere in nature, with forests and hills in the background. You see such a cart track on the road. Deeply worn from the car that drives there daily. On a paved track, the wheels fit just right. You are the cart, with passengers. Your family of origin, your own family, people around you. The track is your life. The road you walk. The road you drive on every day, ever since you were little. The way you’ve been shown. And on which you have already been through a lot. The cart has already taken you far.
That road may not always be pleasant, you will encounter bumps. That’s how life goes. You learn, experience, and grow, with every turn and every setback. But then, much later, there comes a time when things start to wriggle. The wheels no longer go through the track as smoothly or you just want to go in a different direction, see or do something different than the usual path.
If you want to go in a different direction
You try your own direction. The cart wobbles and the wheels creak. You startle. Are you going to fall? The occupants are startled and exclaim: ‘What are you doing?! Stay on the path, otherwise, things will go wrong!’ You quickly adjust and add back on track. Also shocked me, of the almost falling, the violent reactions of the occupants … Pff, luckily. Everyone can breathe again, and everyone has been reassured again. And together you go further. You are doing things in your life, your work, and your family again. You are with the family and you enjoy. While it lasts.
However, it will turn again. Why don’t you know exactly, because it went well for a while anyway? It was nice, you had nice moments together. But the track becomes narrower, the need for your own way greater. You just don’t know what your way is and how to do it. Will the cart falter again? Deflecting further to another side is not an option, because then the cart will fall over. You don’t want to break everything. Don’t hurt the people around you. You love them too much for that. You don’t want to lose them. Are you afraid of being alone?
When being yourself becomes a struggle
You add and swallow, bend and say nothing. You get tired. Gets further removed from yourself, your heart. And life can feel like a struggle. A battle you don’t really dare to fight. A struggle that you fear, because you don’t know what the future will look like if you go your own way. And then ‘continuing to follow the familiar trail’, however difficult it may be at times, is less painful than following your own trail. You count out your winnings. Do you recognize this?
Daring to choose a different track takes guts
Are you also (for a long time) following the trail of someone else? Would you like to follow your own path, but don’t you dare? Because you love the people around you? Because you also feel a strong desire to stay with that other person? Because a twisting or pinching track is often more bearable than the fear of hurting the other person or the fear of being alone?
How do you get out of such a deeply worn track and the fears when you want to follow your own trail?
Being able to and daring to change tracks – in other words: dare to do what you want, stand up for yourself, and make your own choices – is something you start with from an early age, if you are given the space to do so.
You never solve a problem, at the level at which it manifests, but always at the level below. So it’s important to get to that level first. And that is the level of your childhood, where you already felt that you were not given the space you needed. Now ask yourself why it is so difficult for you to change track, to go your own way. From there you can continue, you know what to do and above all: how.
Why going your own way is so complicated
In life you experience things, you experience, learn, fall and get up. Sometimes things are too big and things are too big for a child. When things are too big to experience, to feel, then as a child, as small as you are, you make a decision on how best to deal with them. These are the so-called survival strategies. And you use that survival strategy everywhere when your body ‘smells danger’‘.
If you experienced as a child that it was difficult to stand up for yourself, that you did not learn to choose for yourself (because there was a family belief: ‘the other is more important!’) then it becomes difficult as an adult to take care of yourself. choose yourself.
If your mother was ill and you started to feel responsible for the family, your mother, brother, then it becomes very difficult to choose for yourself, to go your own way. Such a survival strategy (I also call it ‘your old decision’) is stored very deeply in your body. Because this is so deep in your body, you cannot do it differently with your thinking.
You have probably often tried to react differently, to stand up for yourself, to choose for yourself, but every time you reacted that old way when it came down to it. The result is frustration and anger at yourself, the other. You don’t solve that with your thinking, but at the level of your body, where the old pain is stored, those moments when you decided it was better to follow the trail of the other, where you felt it was necessary to take care of the other, that you didn’t want to be alone, that you better not hurt the other.
What would your life look like if you set your own direction?
What would it be like if you followed your own trail? Will you do what your heart tells you? What would your life look like if you set your own direction? How would you feel? Can you imagine? No doubt that you now feel ‘then I feel free!’ or ‘then it will flow again’, ‘then I am who I am again’. Then you take yourself seriously again. Then you do it again. And at the same time, you may also feel fear. And do you think: ‘Yes, but what if……’