From a painful to a healing connection in 3 steps

From a painful to a healing connection in 3 steps
It is nice when connecting with the others is very nice, that is also what we are all looking for. Recognition, being loved, loving the other, being seen and heard.

A nice and safe connection with the other and being recognized in it as you are,

 is your right to exist.

However, connecting with the other person can also be painful and difficult. In contact, in which you meet the other person, so much happens. The other always does something to you. What the other person does and says has an effect on you and can sometimes really hurt. When this has happened too often and too much in your life, it can affect your sense of existence. Even seemingly small things touch you deeply.

Why can connecting be so painful?

Are your contacts sometimes difficult? Do you recognize the same pattern every time? Do you keep getting hit, no matter how hard you try? Does it surprise you that it keeps coming back no matter who? Whether it’s with your partner, your girlfriend, mother, or neighbor? That’s because you include yourself in every connection with the other.

From a painful to a healing connection in 3 steps

To explore why it is so painful, I have three questions for you that are important:

These questions will help you better understand your way of connecting. It is the 1st step to healing and changing your way of connecting if you need it. It is a first step towards a secure connection.

A contact is not always the same, it changes with you

Because you bring yourself into a contract, it can never be the same every moment of the day, or week. From there it makes sense that friendships come and go and that a relationship or marriage always means working on yourself and each other, growing with each other and changing is the basis for a good relationship.

By investigating who you are at the moment of connecting when things go wrong, what is going on in your life, and what you create yourself, you gain insight into why the contact goes the way it does. It’s not about guilt, it’s about ‘it is as it is. You can also immediately stop blaming yourself or the other.

Acceptance of who you are in that moment is the beginning of healing a connection.

Also examine what you feel, and what exactly is being touched.

What happens in your connection with the other?

From a painful to a healing connection in 3 steps

What happens to you when someone has a strong opinion, gets angry or is insecure? And what happens to you when someone is absent for a while, is less busy with you? Have a different opinion than you? Says something you don’t like?

Are you hit? Do you lose your own opinion if the other person is more convincing to you? Are you going to take care of the other person if that person is insecure in your contact or do you become insecure yourself? Do you feel rejected when someone gets distracted, or wants some space for themselves? Do you clap or get angry when the other person says something you don’t like? And what do you do with all those feelings?

Your answers to these questions give you insight into who you are in the connection and what is affected by it. From there you can go to the 2nd, ‘what do you take with you in the connection, your relationship?’.

Your blueprint for connection is created in childhood

To explore what you bring into a connection, you have to go back to your childhood. As a child, you naturally need contact and connection. It is actually your right to exist. It is your parents and caregivers who provide you with this need. So you learn through your parents how to make contact. And you can encounter a lot in that as a child.

From a painful to a healing connection in 3 steps

This is not about right or wrong, or about guilt. It’s about ‘where do you come from, where did your parents come from, what did they teach you in establishing contact and, without their consent, passed it on to you?’ This is simply about what you have been given. And one has been given more in it than the other and it suffers more from it than the other. From these experiences, which you gained as a child, you have developed your blueprint. And you take that blueprint with you in later relationships, in every contact. In everything, you want to connect with.

So you bring your own patterns, your own feelings. Your own survival strategies. Do you know what your painful experiences were as a child that made connecting with the other difficult or painful? By examining this, where it comes from within yourself, you gain insight into who you are in the relationship, and the connection you make.

What pain is touched in the connection with the other?

Time for the 3rd question : where did it come from?

So you now know that the way you enter into relationships and connections originated from your own childhood. So it is never about the other person when you feel that ‘he leaves you alone, never is…’. It’s about what is being touched inside of you, your own old pain.

What do you recognize from your childhood now? Do you quickly feel lonely in a connection with the other person, perhaps in your current relationship? Were you often alone as a child? Are you often looking for compliments in the contacts you enter into? Do you perhaps recognize that you have missed the acknowledgment from one or both of your parents?

Exploring in this way what you experienced and what was difficult or painful for you in your childhood will bring compassion to your current behavior. You will understand where it comes from and you understand that you can’t just do it differently now. Otherwise, you would have already done that if it were that easy.

A safe connection with the other arises from a safe connection with yourself

From a painful to a healing connection in 3 steps

Do you recognize what I write above? Do you have a view of your own pain that is touched again and again in connecting with the other? Then now is the time for what you can do about it, because insight alone is not enough. Action is also needed to change something.

In order to actually change something, it is necessary that you clear up your old pain. Because you always use a strategy when your body smells danger. When the ‘old danger’, your past painful experiences, is still hidden somewhere in your body, your body will always use its strategy.

It’s nothing but an umbrella that you put up for the rain. However, that does mean that in every connection the pattern will continue to repeat itself in a certain way, and you always feel like you are failing somewhere in making contacts. This will not improve your self-confidence.

You, therefore, connect safely and lovingly with the other by working on yourself, clearing your old painful experiences from your body, and making new decisions at a deep level in your body. The more you are free from old pain and old unhelpful patterns, the more you can make contact with the other from your own loving core, without noise and precisely from compassion for yourself and the other.

I wish you many loving connections, especially the one with yourself. The rest will then follow automatically.


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