Have you built walls around you? Why walls are different from borders

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Have you built walls around you? Why walls are different from borders
I’ve noticed something in my fifteen years of helping people with the energy in their bodies, their limits (or lack thereof), and the underlying energetic patterns in their relationships with others. Many people deal with their trauma in the same way (and even I used to do that), building up walls and pretending to be boundaries.

Walls are definitely not the same as borders. The biggest difference is that walls are built up unconsciously. Boundaries are consciously formed. By becoming aware of what you are doing, you learn how to set your limits. But how did those walls actually get there?

Everyone experiences trauma during their childhood and teenage years. Everyone has had at least one significant experience (or more) that left you broken and making unconscious decisions in your psyche in order to understand and deal with what happened.

A traumatic experience

Have you built walls around you? Why walls are different from borders

The traumatic event occurs (sometimes this is a single event and sometimes several over time).

You subconsciously think about why this happened to you (usually you think such an experience has to do with your identity).

This mindset is accompanied by a set of beliefs that grew out of your first conclusion.

You subconsciously develop strategies to prove the contrary of what you originally believed or to avoid the traumatic experience so that you never have to feel that pain again.

You apply these strategies over time and this creates a certain pattern in your behavior. At the same time, your strategies allow you to develop incredible gifts or talents that lead you to make harmful or unfortunate life choices.

The order above is somewhat summarized because you would almost need an entire book to fully describe such a traumatic experience. But these five things indicate the main factors of what is going on in your psyche, the consequences of which are great.

An example of a traumatic experience described

Have you built walls around you? Why walls are different from borders
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The event: Your parents divorced when you are eight years old.

Your belief based on your identity: You subconsciously make the decision that you are not good enough for your parents to stay together and that they are breaking up because they don’t love you. You blame yourself. You decide, “I am not loved.”

Your other beliefs:   In addition, you may also think things like, “I deserve to be punished.”, “I’m not worthy of a happy relationship.” or “I deserve to be alone.”

The strategy: You never want to feel that kind of pain again, so you build up walls to keep other people out. You choose to never open up to yourself again and to stop trusting others.

Behavioral patterns:

  1. (Gifts, skills, or talents) You learn to become very independent, which makes you resourceful, self-sufficient, and good at making your own decisions.
  2. (Harmful or Unsatisfactory Life Choices) You isolate yourself, are skeptical, and can’t last more than four months in a romantic relationship.

While everyone has a different strategy for dealing with trauma, given the unique combinations in one’s life, it seems to be a common thing to build walls.

I never want to be hurt like that again… I can never trust anyone to help me again… The people you love always leave you… I can never trust another… (man, woman, fill it in)… Making other people only use of you if you open up… I don’t ever want to be embarrassed like that again.

Remember, this is all subconsciously happening in your head. You do not think rationally when making such decisions and the potential risks do not occur to you. So what’s your version of the wall?

Why walls are different from borders

Have you built walls around you? Why walls are different from borders

The second main reason why walls are different from borders has to do with discrimination. Walls are built indiscriminately. They keep everything out, even though you built those walls to protect yourself from something specific. It’s like using a general pesticide.

Imagine that you only want to tackle an ant problem, but you use a general pesticide that kills multiple organisms. It’s like using a wrecking ball when a sledgehammer is enough. A bulldozer when all you need is a shovel. Boundaries, on the other hand, are very consciously set.

Below are some examples:

Unconscious wall: ‘I don’t let anyone get close and in this relationship I let myself go too far. That’s why I’m ending it.’ (This is about you, not the other person.)

Conscious Boundary: “I choose to end this relationship with you because you lied to me about cheating on you.” (This is about the other person’s behavior and what you will and will not tolerate.)

Unconscious wall: ‘If I share my feelings with you, you will use them against me. That’s why I don’t expose my emotions.’ (This is about you, not the other person.)

Conscious Boundary: “Because I care about you, I choose to share my feelings with you and show you my emotions. However, this is very frightening to me and if you use this against me in the future, it will be very difficult for me to trust you afterward.” (You ask what you need and set a clear boundary.)

Unconscious wall: ‘When someone asks me something, I always say no, because I believe everyone just wants to take advantage of me.’ (Again, this is about you.)

Conscious Boundary: “I review every request when it suits me and I decide if I’m comfortable doing something and if I have the time and energy.” (Discrimination, selectively saying no instead of haphazardly.)

From building walls to setting boundaries

Have you built walls around you? Why walls are different from borders

So how do we go from random, unconscious walls to conscious, intentional boundaries? First, you need to become aware of the unconscious behavioral patterns in your life (you can start with the five steps described above!) This may take some time, but it doesn’t mean that you have to wait an awfully long time to see results. You have to work on your inner self.

By consciously setting a limit, you have to make it clear to yourself what you are trying to achieve. Whatever that boundary means, you should think carefully about what it means, especially if you haven’t done this before. What result do you want to achieve? How do you want to word it? When do you want to start?

Respecting boundaries

Have you built walls around you? Why walls are different from borders

You should also keep in mind the following: The other person doesn’t have to listen to your limits. An important part of setting boundaries (and your mental preparation) is to give the other person time to process what you’ve asked them to do, to not get too caught up in the drama they might be causing, and to introduce yourself. prepare for what you will do if the other person decides not to respect your boundaries.

The concept is quite simple, but it can be difficult to actually follow through with this, as you’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position, something you’ve built up walls for!

In the end it comes down to this: all everyone really wants is to be loved. We are social beings! We need eachother. Behind every fear, wall, outburst or accusation is the desire to be loved. At some point, almost everyone realizes that their old, unconscious behavior patterns no longer work. You realize in that moment that the walls you have built keep you from getting what you want most. Love. Company. Link.

So however you decide to go about it, I invite you to break down your own walls (at your own pace) and open yourself up to the love you seek. Work with a therapist. Go to an energy healer. Visit a shaman. Work on your inner self. You deserve love. The bottom line is that you are in control of your own destiny.

 

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