Friday, December 9, 2022
Home Lifestyle Life How do I choose my partner? – Dependence in relationships

How do I choose my partner? – Dependence in relationships

When I look around me, I see more and more relationships falling apart. What’s all that good for? Could all those struggles and struggles have a purpose? And why do people break up and repeat the same lessons in the next relationship?

Different forces are at work. The soul chooses a partner where the challenge is as great as possible and is tuned to the possibilities that you have. This may also have to do with a past life where unfinished business still needs to be completed. All life must eventually return to its source and be in harmony. Every relationship will eventually have to be in balance and love.

What happens in a relationship when higher and lower attunements come together?

Why do we choose that one person as our partner and what happens when a higher and a lower attunement come together? Each of us comes to Earth with a blueprint. That means that you develop spiritually during all your lives. The purpose of all those lives is to get to know and love yourself in all facets. And where are you most challenged? In your relationships with people and especially in your partner relationship.

In our relationships we usually attract a partner who is either more (higher) or less (lower) spiritually developed than ourselves. One is not better than the other. This is usually based on karmic laws.

As a higher attuned you are challenged to spiritually raise the soul that is even less developed. It requires a lot of awareness and self-reflection because the triggers you have to deal with are great. As a higher attuned you possess a deep and refined feeling and a lower vibration causes disturbance and touches your own unprocessed pain.

It may happen that you descend with the vibration of the other and lose yourself in your refined attunement. Often you are also confronted with deeper fears because you yourself live in a refined attunement.

As a lower attuned, you have the opportunity to learn and grow to a higher attunement, provided your partner is aware of the higher purpose of the relationship. The lower grade also has to deal with triggers . Highly attuned souls can have high standards, be perfectionists and be disturbed by grosser energies. Because of the higher vibration, everything that is still in a lower vibration is also touched. Unprocessed pain from this and past lives is touched to be healed.

The power of the inner child

Unprocessed pain from this and previous lives participates in the choice of partner. The needy child and the desire for union with the other; feeling complete is an important driver in the choice of a partner. The lack of childhood wants to be fulfilled. Over time, you notice that your partner resembles your father or your mother and touches the very pain points that are most vulnerable to you.

You feel betrayed. That it is your very partner whom you have trusted that shames, humiliates or hurts you. Gradually you withdraw or start fighting with the result that you feel less and less connected with yourself and the other.

The power of the inner child is great. If there is a strong lack, you want the other person to change, even though you know in your head that it doesn’t work that way. How often does this desire occur? “I want to be in love,” you say, “I am a spiritual person!” and the next moment you are screaming or falling into the role of pleaser or critic.

Underneath lies the pain of your hurt child. Many of us are not aware of the fusion (identification) in which we live. You subconsciously think: “I am entitled to it after all. I deserve love, I am worth it anyway.” But are you aware of that little girl or boy who feels unworthy, who thinks himself bad or not worth it?

Loving yourself

Being aware is the first step. The way to independence is learning to accept and feel parts in you that are still dependent. Connecting with your fear of abandonment or feeling dependent on the approval of others.

Lovingly accept that you have those feelings in you and take care of them. They are unprocessed pieces of your childhood that couldn’t have been there then. If you connect with it, you will gradually be released from dependency relationships and that there will be room for real contact.

How often do I hear the judgment about dependency in relationships. “You have to live from the source and independence.” For many, this is far too high of a goal and they come in self-blame and judgment. “I’m not doing it right because I’m dependent.” Acknowledge it first. That you can be dependent. That is the path to maturity and independence. You accept yourself as you are. You learn to be loving towards yourself.


You can do this alone or with your partner. If you recognize together that you are in a dependent relationship, then you can work on that and grow towards a loving and healthy relationship where everyone stands on their own two feet.

You do this by listening and accepting the vulnerability of yourself and the other. That you listen to the pain of the other, without having to solve it.

As my counselor once said, “You not only enter into a relationship with your partner, but you also enter into a relationship with the traumatized children in your partner.”

The spiritual thinking

When you are in a painful relationship with your partner, your spiritual thinking becomes clouded. You can no longer see the other as he really is and you project your feelings onto him or her. Then first take time for yourself and make contact with your own pain and acknowledge it. Become softer and tune in from that softness to what you feel and experience.

Spiritual thinking looks from love and understanding. It sees the other as it is. There is no judgment. There is a keen insight and awareness about the meaning of the relationship you are in. You see the higher plane of your relationship.


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