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How do you go from dependent needy love to free and spiritual love?

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I see many relationships fail because there is no awareness of the bonds that the partners have. Relationship struggles, distance, lack of intimacy and contact stem from unhealed childhood pain. As partners you enter into the deepest connection with each other.
The purpose of that connection is to heal yourself and embrace yourself in love. Being able to do that with your partner is a divine gift. In your relationship, all your pain points and fears are touched. You relive the pain you experienced as a child/baby.

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The connection with your partner takes place on different layers, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. You bond with your partner in many ways. This is where your unhealed child pieces come into play.

For example, if you had a distant and cold mother as a child and you now meet a warm loving woman, then a deep attachment will take place from your child with the warm mother side of the other. That makes you feel safe and secure. The longing for that love is fulfilled.

At times when your partner withdraws from the relationship, you will again feel the pain of being abandoned or rejected. That pain can be so great that you become angry with your partner and blame him or her for your (unconscious) pain. This is the interaction of the child with the mother. Unconsciously, the deep pain and distress of you as a baby is touched. You feel betrayed and abandoned.

If your partner, who also has unhealed child parts, is also in pain, you are entangled in each other’s pain. This can manifest as a fight for attention and love, which you cannot give to each other.

Fortunately there is a way out, provided both are willing to do the necessary work:
awareness, softness, reflection, inner work. Healing your own pain.

The road to freedom

What can you do if you notice that you have gotten into a fight with your partner, or that you are withdrawing from the relationship , perhaps cheating or turning your attention to other things?
Something that is important is to make room and to acknowledge what is going on. What happens in your contact? Are there times when you get tense, anxious or short of breath? Stop the struggle and return your attention to yourself. What’s happening to you?

Sometimes you may need to literally move out of each other’s space and need your own place. Being together can touch too much. On a feeling level, this can feel like separation or loss. The child in you is used to the familiar form in which you were together. Those feelings need care and attention. It is a step you take to break free from the bond with your partner. The road to freedom and connection.

When you spend time with yourself, apart from your partner, and both have made the decision to face your own pain, you can connect with that little boy or girl in you who has clung to the other or has withdrawn. . The theme that is often discussed is insecurity, boundaries, feeling alone, abandoned or abandoned. These themes are related to what you experienced as a child.

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Meeting each other requires acknowledgment of each other’s pain. Having compassion for the fearful and hurt child in the other. Be careful in how you approach the other. If you are anxious or insecure, you can approach the other from criticism or you have all kinds of expectations that the other must meet. You project your own lack onto others. You are not connected to yourself.

Lovingly and consciously communicating with the other requires a pure intention. Don’t want to harm the other. Forgiving so-called mistakes and compassion for your own damaged child. You support and help your partner from your loving parent so that he / she feels supported and loved and can heal your own unhealed pain. As a way to independence and spiritual love, free from attachments and projections.

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