Saturday, January 28, 2023
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How I broke down the wall in my heart


In high school I was once told by a well-meaning teacher that I was only in my head. That I didn’t feel much and used my ratio as a wall of protection. And the latter was also true. But not the first. I just felt a lot.

If there is no one available for your emotions in childhood, where do they go? I just assumed. After a while they took up so much space that I was constantly working on them. I just didn’t understand my emotions at all and some of them were extremely painful. But I didn’t tell anyone.

At home there was no place for my feelings, so I stopped sharing them after a while. You can guess what that does for your sense of belonging, your self-esteem, your confidence and self-love. And the wall.

The great thing about such a wall is the sense of security it offers. The big disadvantage of it is that it has two sides of which you can only see one. your own. Precisely because I was used to doing everything alone, I could not see what I was denying myself.

The spontaneous connection with that which is (on the other side). And the opportunity to be there in the middle of myself. But I didn’t know that then.

The wall has stayed with me for a very long time. I took him into work and relationships. At work level, this was not so noticeable. But if you are emotionally unavailable for your loved one, where should she go? She just assumed going outside .

I understood after the last one somewhere that keeping my wall up had a lonely price that I didn’t want to pay much longer. And I started looking for help on the best way to break it down. And just like that when you want something deep inside, I got help from the universe in the form of an intuitive group therapist who knew how the walls of Jericho had fallen. By sound.

She let me speak in a group of 8 people every week. No one was allowed to ask a question or make a comment, which we normally did there. I had to tell what I felt and why. Have you ever told a group of people every week for 7 minutes continuously for 4 months what you really feel ? While they really listen? A world opened up for me of the connection I had missed in my youth.

I learned that my emotions are actually very human, and that I was not the only one who walked around with such emotions. And that I can connect with others by expressing my feelings. But more importantly. I learned what I had not learned in my childhood.
That I can only understand my emotions with my heart.

You can guess what that does for your sense of belonging , your self-esteem, your confidence and self-love. And the wall.


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