How pleasing arises (often in childhood) and how you can stop it

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How pleasing arises (often in childhood) and how you can stop it

Do you always want to please others at the expense of your own needs? You have to learn how to love yourself. But it’s hard to love someone you don’t know…

Every time you are aware that you are thinking about yourself, you push those thoughts away and call yourself selfish or even mean.

She happy, you happy

It’s not a habit of always pleasing others, it’s an identity. You value yourself based on how well you keep others happy. If you manage to make someone else happy with what you’ve done or said, even for a moment, you’ll feel good about yourself.

If you can do this daily, you can be happy for a long time. But of course, this is a lot more difficult to do, because you never know exactly what the other person wants. You only have your own observations and other people’s facial expressions and words to go by. And it could be that the other person is lying, which is often the case, especially if they are also a people pleaser or have a different plan.

How pleasing arises (often in childhood) and how you can stop it

How pleasing arises

Always wanting to please others is a fearful way of life. You constantly ask yourself: am I meeting someone’s expectations? Expectations are always there. And since they’re the ones with the expectations, they can do whatever they want, because they’re in charge. Which brings us to the next question: who says they are always right?

What you probably want to know is how to get rid of that feeling and why it is so difficult. It is indeed difficult, but not impossible. You have to change your views on how you should live. Most people pleasers were raised by at least one parent who placed a high value on his or her image. The people-pleaser has learned to keep this person happy by maintaining a good image.

In other words, the child has learned to do everything in such a way as to maintain the parent’s public image. So the child took care of the parent. The child had to prove his love for the parent, but that’s not even the worst. The parent did not have to prove his love for the child. The child has therefore never loved itself.

Does loving yourself feel selfish?

Solar Plexus Chakra & Setting Boundaries: Get Balanced by Strengthening Your Third Chakra

So that’s what you need to focus on in order to heal: the child, now an adult, needs to learn how to love itself. But the problem is that the child still feels the pressure of the parent, be it verbal or not, leading the child to believe that it is very selfish to betray the parent’s image by learning to love themselves. The child has adopted the actions and words of his parents and still directs them to himself.

It’s hard to love someone you don’t know. And even harder to love someone you’ve learned to ignore or even hate. So every time you are aware that you are thinking about yourself, you push those thoughts away and call yourself selfish or even mean. It’s only when you start thinking about yourself so much that you can’t push those thoughts away that you begin to process or even consider the possibility that what you have to say might matter.

Think about yourself!

Let me make something clear: it’s not about your confidence. It is due to the fact that you have no connection with yourself, so you have no self-esteem. People pleasers are often so focused on other people’s facial expressions that they don’t even notice the intense desire for attention in themselves. So yes. It’s hard to think about yourself. But it is not impossible. And by doing nothing about it, on the excuse that it’s “so hard,” you’re only allowing your mean parent to have even more influence on your life.

But… suppose your parent wasn’t mean? What if your parent was always nice to you, except when he or she made it clear that you had to give up your identity in order to be who he or she needed? This healing process is not about you having to find your parent guilty. You have to decide if you want to move on, while you’re constantly being told who to be by someone who doesn’t even know you exist. That’s where the work on yourself begins.

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