If the first person you meet in your life doesn’t know how to love you, you can only believe as a child that the problem is with you and not with your mother.
The longing for love and security
I can tell you something about the longing for a mother. I can tell you that we all continue to long for a mother to… feed us… to take care of us… in the right way; not too much and not too little. I can tell you that we all long for a mother to bring us soup when we are sick, not because it makes a mother feel better or to show her good nature, but simply because she enjoys feeding her child. can give.
I can tell you that we never stop longing to be tucked in and kissed before going to sleep, to be held in arms that make you feel safe, to have blankets that offer you warmth and comfort, arms that are there to give, not to take.
I can tell you that we continue to long for the approval of others and to be in the spotlight, whose light is not borrowed from someone else, as the moon borrows the light of the sun, but a kind of light that is loving and radiant .
And I can tell you that there are very few mothers who can tell their daughters that they love them in this way. If you have had a mother who loved you enough and in the right way, then you are blessed. I hope you have embraced and enjoyed that experience firmly.
This is how you recognize a mother’s wound
And I can tell you about the effects of a maternal wound. A mother wound can present itself as the desire to please others; you take on the role of pleaser. If you were raised to continuously please another, that what the other wants is more important than what you want, and if you experienced early on that there is no room for your emotional life, then you may have learned that the only way to survive is to please others. Even if you used to be punished for expressing your anger or sadness. Being ignored or treated in a cold way are also ways of punishment.
Separation Anxiety and Shame
This way of living can begin by acting like a perfectionist, by acting as quickly as possible to gain the approval of others, an approval that you never got from your mother. It is devastating for a child to see that his mother cannot meet his emotional needs because of her own wounds, so the child often believes that the problem is with him or her. If I was somehow more perfect, I would have gotten the approval I so desperately needed…
In romantic relationships and friendships, this feeling can surface as an overwhelming fear (not listening to what I want) and/or an intense fear of separation. And such a thing can masquerade as shame, the belief that tells you, ‘I’m broken. I’m too much. I am not enough. I’m not worth it.’ Because if the first person you meet in your life doesn’t know how to love you, you can only believe as a child that the problem is with you and not with your mother.
You can heal the wound yourself
In addition to meeting the physical needs of a child, the child needs something else: to be loved and seen. This means that his or her emotional needs should also be honored. A daughter does not need a perfect mother, because there are none. She needs a good mother. A good mother loves her child and has a healthy connection with her child, which makes the child believe in herself and feel safe.
Most daughters have not experienced this love. But that doesn’t mean it’s too late to get such love. It doesn’t mean it’s too late to fulfill the desire deep in your heart. We can pay attention to what we are aware of. And what we can give attention, we can heal.
You don’t have to change your relationship with your mother to heal the mother wound. You don’t even have to be in a relationship with your mother at all. You just have to be willing to acknowledge the wound and muster the courage to deal with the normal emotions that arise as a result of the wound: sadness, longing, and shame.
Accepting emotions and returning pain
I don’t like to blame the parents or hate the parents for the pain and shame. I also do not believe that healing takes place from the head. Healing happens when you accept the basic emotions that arise from certain wounds. As you learn to return the pain and shame that are not yours and then create new and healthy inner relationships that fill the gaps left by imperfect human parents.