Also recently, when it became clear to me how I have been used by others – consciously or unconsciously – in my uninhibited way of being. I feel like I have sometimes been abused as a result of the other person’s hidden agenda, which I was not aware of at the time.
I looked back on it afterwards with misplaced shame and felt sadness bubbling up. Yes, I was suddenly aware of what had happened, how it went and how it was used by the other person for my own benefit. How I once again went along with accepting the reality of the other and contributed to it from my cheerful, open-minded self. Not realizing that I was just a “tap keg” for the other and let my energy drain.
From the moment I became aware of that reality, I felt how I have been used out of my gullibility, how my chair legs have been sawn out of jealousy or envy while I didn’t realize it and that – uninhibited as I am – I have make it happen. At that moment, all the relationships I have “maintained” in this way suddenly become clear, including situations from a distant past.
The feeling I get is an intense sadness and physically it feels like I just got a good beating. Sadness because I have become a lot clearer what my childish innocence mercilessly punishes. Physically the energy will flow where it has been attached to the emotion.
I can compare it to a ‘sleeping’ arm that suddenly gets blood supply again. The stimulation that then passes through it is comparable to the energy that starts flowing again when the blockage of the emotion disappears when gaining insights.
The world (= the conditioned human being in a dual reality) is not sweet as I would like it to be. The people who are, as I envision my ideal image, are the true gems who have just as much trouble with life on earth as I do. I don’t understand lies and backstabbing. I usually gardened with both feet in it. Especially if someone pretended to be sweet and understanding, I was taken with it.
Yet I manage to hold my ground, despite the unfortunate insight. I have not been used or abused by others. I have been the declarant for the other. That’s my role in this life, as everyone plays a role. My role has also been a way that I should learn from myself. By offering the other an opportunity to use or abuse it in an open-minded way, I don’t have to blame myself. That piece belongs to the other and one learns from it, the other does not.
Someone who has learned from it is able to open up and say “I could have done that differently, but didn’t have the insight at the time”. One who does not learn from it continues to use or abuse others until they gain the understanding.
I don’t need to change my open-mindedness. What I do change is my view of others and now hope to recognize signals earlier. I don’t have to beat myself up for my part. The insight into how reality works, which people were involved, who showed their true nature and who dares to admit that they could have done it differently, determines for me which people I still want to deal with. .
The insight and the impact on myself feels like an energetic cold in my head and physically like a hefty beating. The memories of what happened, seen from the insight I now have, I let pass through me. I don’t relive them, I feel them, acknowledge them and let them go, because I know that from now on I can make different choices.
Letting go is not the same as turning your back on something . Turning your back locks emotions. By recognizing them, the trapped energy can flow again, so that I really get free from that which has held me in its grip all this time.
With the insight of now, I will from this moment act as I see fit. I’ll see what tomorrow brings. Who knows with new insights and opportunities to recognize, clear up and let go of old pieces.