Anxious, different and young
I’m afraid. Ooh, so horribly afraid to show who I am, to show what I KNOW. Afraid of the reactions of people far away from me. But even more afraid of the people close to me. It’s in my way. I want it out, fear and desire are fighting each other. I’m not like the others. I’m not young. I am old.
I can’t drink until I’m paralyzed, my gut feeling keeps me from that stupid action, that stupid action that everyone 18 years old seems to think is super normal. To poison your body so that your brain can no longer do what it should and your feelings can no longer make their voice heard because you simply push them away.
And I? I’m different, I drink, but I can’t drink. And that makes me an outsider. What does this even mean?!? The stupid thing is that I still care about it… Every time all those comments on my glass of water, the only drink I can drink without my body getting out of balance.
It’s stupid and crooked, but it’s the truth. People often ask me why I don’t go out so often, just explain it to them. I don’t do it anymore.
School, stress and incentives
What I want to achieve with this is that people wake up. As young people in this society, we are weaker and insecure. We have no income yet, we don’t know how the world works and we just have to go to school. To a school where the more sensitive are not taken into account , and where you are thrown into a dangerous mill of bullying, social pressure and deadlines. Stress and fatigue therefore play a major role in my school life.
And I’m not the only one, really! I am in a class with 24 young people between the ages of 17 and 25. 24 young people full of problems, insecurities and fears, 24 young people in the same training with the same deadline, 24 votes, 24 emotions, 24 characters. 24 types of incentives.
Incentives I don’t like. I have my own portion of daily stimuli that I can act on : noise, deadlines, stress, unrest. But also the stimuli/feelings of others that penetrate me: mutual differences of opinion, anger, sadness, insecurity, fatigue, stress. All this is a pretty mess if you ask me.
And of course we automatically think of the wonderful ‘earth exercise’ to give all that chaos a nice place down here, super handy. But does it also work in the long run: no, I do my best every time. I put my feet on the ground and let those roots get nice and deep, but the moment I walk into the classroom during a busy period, I can’t stop and my head starts to thump again. Try grounding yourself when you’re in a messy crowd.
Responses to spirituality
Okay, I’m SPIRITUAL. And I’m proud of it, really. But that’s scary isn’t it, spiritual , that word alone. People are shocked by it, don’t know what to do with it, how to react. It’s floaty and scary. I will probably be different, not a nice thought if you ask me but I get it, people get scared when they don’t know what it’s about anymore. They don’t know it anymore, it hasn’t been secured by science.
Funny how you can change the image they have of you so quickly, how you can go from a nice girl to floaty. Just by mentioning the word spiritual. So if you think about it, this is what you come up with. I can’t express my interests without startling people, so automatically I can’t express myself.
So in this society, it’s a choice between being yourself or having the blunt ax put on your neck and hoping that you can keep yourself safe during the interrogation. Because yes, the interrogation is coming. And only a few souls will be genuinely interested in it. The rest you won’t understand, or even try at all. Maybe it’s also out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Whatever it may be, it keeps me from being my authentic self.
That, dear ones, is the image I have. That’s the world I live in, my truth . You can prove me wrong by telling me your own truth. Perhaps it contains more love, peace and space to develop myself spiritually. Let’s hope so.
Lots of love.