Structure and rhythm give us something to hold on to and a stable basis to develop. But what if the need for regularity and predictability turns into control? What if more and more fixed patterns and rituals are needed to guarantee that feeling safe? And in the urge to control life you lose yourself in what they call autistic traits?
Everyone is looking for something to hold on to when life is difficult
If the emotions, thoughts and feelings are too much, if the circumstances grab you by the throat and the ground has been knocked out from under your feet, but also if less drastic events throw you off balance and you don’t know it anymore, then this has an impact on your inner balance. And as soon as you start to feel unsafe for whatever reasons, you start looking for control over yourself and your life.
It is these challenges on your path that can bring you closer to yourself, but also those in which you can lose yourself.
What do you look for to hold on to?
Are you looking for this in external factors, for example in symmetry in your life, in what you do and how you furnish your house? Do you look for it in daily routines, in doing everything at the same time and in the same way? Or are you looking for this in rituals, such as regular morning rituals, or rituals to relax? If you have a lot of these kinds of recurring patterns and you get upset if you (forced to) deviate from them, then that may be a sign that you are looking for something to hold on to outside of yourself.
Or do you focus your attention inwards, do you dare to be still and let go? Can you move in trust and love with what life brings you? Do you have the resilience to get up every time and choose love? Do you ever put your hand on your heart, practice regulating your breathing, do yoga or other more meditative exercises? If you know you do this, then you will mainly seek your support internally and you will find your safety there.
The insecurity in yourself determines the extent to which you need something to hold on to
The basis of your unconscious reaction lies in the stories that you carry with you. In the way you have dealt with the challenges in your life in your life. In the way you have learned to find and maintain your safe base. If you have often started to react unconsciously and from your head to situations and events, then this has created unsupportive stories, stories that undermine you and keep you from the connection with your heart. It is therefore these stories that determine how unsafe you feel inside.
Letting go of your survival mechanism ensures safety in yourself
This has to do with the origin of the survival mechanisms in childhood. Because you depend on your parents for survival, you often have to adapt and conform as a child. Group identity is very important. So you learn to focus your attention outwards. You color the events and experiences in your life based on that conviction.
However, as you get older, the idea is to break free from that dependence on your parents and your survival mechanisms, so that you can form your own identity. That you are able to create your own safe base independently of all external factors. This includes a part of consciousness development, in which all those non-supportive stories must also be viewed in a completely different light.
Only if you can respond from consciousness can you heal your unsupportive stories and break through old patterns and beliefs. In this way you prevent old pain from being confirmed and you do not look for more support in external matters. Only then can you develop in freedom.
The paradox of seeking guidance
Because you (as a child) look for support outside yourself and you derive safety from this, your base is not stable. There will always be challenges in your path, circumstances and events that affect you and throw you off balance.
In fact, if this happens, the blow will hit twice as hard. Because only the connection with yourself determines the extent to which you get out of balance and whether you can deal with this resiliently.
The paradox is therefore that when the going gets tough, you have to let go, so that you can move with confidence. Then you are dependent on the only thing that gives you something to hold on to, and that is your heart.
If you are looking for something to hold on to in a world that is constantly in motion, the solution is not (any more) rituals, fixed patterns and regularity, even if they relate to meditation or other tuning exercises. But the solution lies in living from your heart and love for yourself.
your inner compass
By seeking guidance within yourself, you will naturally also respond more consciously to situations. Because you react more from the whole and the overview, than from the pain and the initial event. Then you can move with life from a safe base and face the challenges on your path with confidence.
By focusing on your inner compass you will get to know yourself, the world around you and your place in it better. You will find your way firmly grounded and anchored in your heart from love and strength, independent, free, full of confidence. And this starts with becoming aware of what really makes you feel unsafe.
You can find the way to connection through the stories around your heart. Once you go from your head to your heart and can embrace yourself in love, you will need less and less patterns and rituals and your heart will become freer and your consciousness clearer. With every step you take in connecting with yourself, you can also let go of the grip outside yourself.
This also works for a child
If you notice that your child panics when things don’t go the way they used to, if their bread isn’t cut properly, or if they have to take off their shoes indoors instead of in the hallway as usual, it could be a are signs that your child feels unsafe, that he is out of touch with his heart, that feelings and emotions are too much for him and he does not know how to deal with this. Then you know that he loses himself in the challenges in his path.
By helping him focus on his inner compass, you can help him find his place in the world. In this way he can find his safety within himself and increasingly let go of disruptive rituals and patterns. Not rest, regularity and purity, but the connection with your heart is the most important message for you as a parent. Then every child will be able to develop into his true self in freedom and safety.