Love: what if we turned it around?


We humans are strange creatures. I don’t know exactly about you, of course, but in myself I recognize some old patterns that on closer inspection are really really weird and have the opposite effect of what I’m trying to achieve. In my desire for connection, security and acceptance, I keep them outside the door…

I would like to be in a state of being in which I experience relaxation and love. In which I can taste the happiness of loving my life unconditionally. And who doesn’t want that? How come if I don’t pay attention for a while, something in my system does everything I can to create a life in which that state of being is impossible…? And I just suspect that I’m not alone in this.


Suppose you have with someone and it clicks very much. The attraction is enormous. Energetically, physically, and so on. Butterflies in your stomach, all your cells are opening, your life force is bubbling and bubbling through you. delicious! And imagine it’s mutual too. That you open the other in just as nice a way. There is nothing more fun than a new love that can flow freely.

When you open yourself completely to someone else, that is very nice, but it is also very exciting. Because in all that openness you are also vulnerable. That can feel unsafe. So we make arrangements. That we do certain things and not others. Lots of agreements and basically they come down to the fact that we won’t hurt each other. Because we love each other.

It doesn’t work at all

But the bad thing is: we can’t keep this agreement at all. We are going to hurt each other. The more agreements there are, the more we will not be able to keep to them at some point. Unavoidable. Probably not intentionally, but we can’t possibly live our own lives when we’re always trying to avoid the other person’s sensitive spots. That won’t work.

And instead of realizing that and just throwing that basic agreement out the door, we just tighten it up. If the other person does not keep to an agreement, we will make a few more. If someone crosses the line, we pull the reins. Then we create tighter frameworks within which we feel safe again. Okay, if we do it this way and that, we’ll be fine.

But the truth is that within borders there will always be resistance to those borders. While there is no resistance when there is nothing to resist. No one has to break out of something when there are no walls. Do you see the mind fuck? We tighten things up and in doing so we create exactly what we don’t want. We create (the potential) of insecurity in our need for security.


In addition to a desire for security, there is also a desire for acceptance in us humans. There is little we want more from our loved ones than to be seen and loved. We want the other person to love who we are with all his or her heart. So let’s show that other all those beautiful pieces of ourselves. Those beautiful diamonds that sparkle in the light of our souls. And we feel the love flowing over us.

And let’s leave the dark parts for a while. The aspects that we don’t like about ourselves, that we judge ourselves on, we don’t bother the other person with. We don’t want the other to see our jealousy, our petty clergy, our insecurities, our inability. We don’t want to risk rejection.

And the sad thing is that with this we keep exactly that desire for acceptance out of our reach. Because we can feel good in the warm rain of someone’s appreciation and love for our light, deep down we are always aware of our shadow. And from the fact that we don’t dare to show it and thus never give the other the chance to accept and embrace it as part of our humanity. The other can never fully love us if we keep parts from ourselves.

Turn it around!

What would happen if we stopped limiting each other in the name of love? Don’t make appointments. When we would believe deep down that the other is simply a good and loving person and loves us in complete freedom? That being the other is just okay, just like our own?

What if we stop trying to hold each other? But just open our hand. In a confidence that when we are away from each other for a while, we will go on our own adventure, that a longing for each other’s proximity will naturally arise again. We don’t have to name it, don’t frame it, because we are already lovers of each other. The connection in love is there.

What if we decide to open up completely to each other? Grant each other access to everything that lives in us? Nothing is necessary, but you are welcome everywhere? You may see me without masks, without armor, without armor of any order. In all my wildness, in all my simplicity, in all my light and my shadow.

I take the risk of rejection because I want to allow the possibility of connection. If I take the risk that you will fly away without returning, you can return in complete freedom. If I take the risk of you rejecting me, you can love me in all that I am.

What if we dare to let go of all control over the other and the connection? Let it be what it wants to be instead. What wondrous beauty would happen when we finally fulfill our deep desire for unconditional love, simply by trusting it?


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