Wednesday, December 7, 2022
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Me and my autism – Sharing together, nurturing each other, growing together

Sharing my first article with the outside world has set a lot in motion. In and around me. Touched, seen, understanding, (recognition)… Fresh space for the connection between autism and non-autism.

I also receive personal rejection: vague, brainwashed, completely lost… I can live with it, recognize it. I’ve been on that side myself. I give this rejection space within me and towards the other. Without blame, without struggle and without judgement. From understanding, recognition, respect, equality and love for all that is.

Spontaneously acquaintances share my article . What a beautiful flow. What a loving and organic teamwork. Thanks from the bottom of my heart, also for all the responses. My lyrics still touch me deeply.

As a gray mouse in full light. Something in me doesn’t understand at all that I dared to do this. Something else in me is completely satisfied. I literally closed the way back. What an immense gift to myself.

Me and my feeling area

With my autism I ‘naturally’ experience no difference between this life and past and future lives… I have one area of ​​feeling: everything that has been, what is and what is to come. All stimuli enter my system, I just don’t register them. The conclusion I once drew: I don’t feel anything, I can’t do anything, I’m not highly sensitive, not gifted, worth nothing at all…

Subconsciously I resist all those stimuli with all my might and I have no energy left for other experiences. Since I ‘know’ this, I have made peace with it and I give it space within myself. Lovingly on the way from ‘costing energy’ to ‘energizing’ myself.

When I am touched by a theme, all my previous lives with that theme are immediately open. Then I immediately end up in a deep crisis and in several dimensions at the same time.

That cannot be handled: Complete short circuit. I close myself on autopilot acutely hermetically. My extreme challenge is to leave a millimeter of space. An invisible change for people without autismA gigantic mega-step for people with autism.


Heaven is my home. There I know who I am. I know that energy. Here on Earth I am strange and I do not understand the earthly energy. In my time and pace I am now experiencing my humanity step by step.

That costs me a lot of energy and I regularly encounter rejection and misunderstanding, which is very understandable. Arrogance, manipulation, stubbornness, pushing through the sentence, these are well-known characteristics of autism.

I lovingly draw attention to the opposites. Very deep ‘consciousness’, faithfulness to the highest goal, loving direction, self-protection, own wisdom, deep insight and overview, inhumanly difficult task; we also have these aspects in us.

My life energy is in a very deep layer. A layer where others cannot survive. The layer where others can Be is only safe for me after connection with my own life energy.

Nothing is better or worse. It is what it is. Believe me: if it were an option, I would grant myself another, easier way of life. My past has caught up with me and taught me that fleeing is an illusion. I only feel ‘better’ since I follow my soul destiny, no matter how hard.


I don’t naturally feel safe on Earth, with people. I am different. I have extreme fears of life, death, getting into my body, showing myself, saying ‘yes’ to my life, fulfilling my mission…

I feel misunderstood, but rejected, denied, ignored…

I can always answer for my way of Being. Very exhausting.

I feel so alone here on Earth. Incredibly deep loneliness in a crowded world. The opposite is my deep desire to physically meet my ‘partner/like-minded person’. That for once I don’t have to explain, don’t have to hold back. That I can just be myself. That I’m just fine the way I am. That there is someone who just understands me.

I consciously started moving with my degree of autism. I am very pure in energy . When I am in this energy, I can only communicate purely. I have influence on that. Others are quick to think I’m filling in or manipulating; that makes sense. They cannot contact ‘my’ layer. Then they are confronted with extreme agony. A nice realization: even for people without autism, unknown can feel extremely unsafe.

It is difficult to determine with whom I can let how much energy radiate consciously and to what extent I can be myself. What I have opened up in myself is present in energy. Black has become White. Unconscious Consciousness. Dead energy Life energy. In energy that stands like a house. That makes me very confrontational to others.

Through my movement in, through and with my autism I bring myself into even deeper loneliness. On the one hand people without autism, for whom I am different. On the other hand, people with autism, for whom I am confrontational. As living proof that autism does not have to be a chronic condition.

I seem more and more of a challenge to everyone. An outsider. More and more alone. At the same time getting closer to myself. One feeds the other: lovingly, respectfully and unconditionally. Until I can be here with my energy. Connected in unconditional love to my soul destiny.

lovely people

I have deep admiration and immense respect for all people here on Earth. And our soul destinies. We have all taken on a lot. And may be in love with it. Connecting war in and with ourselves with Peace in and with ourselves. I wish us all.


In loving and respectful embrace,


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