A relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally draining.
Narcissists cause broken hearts, broken self-image and sometimes even broken lives. But it can be even more tiring when you break up.
Do you want to know when a narcissist really leaves you alone?
Why a narcissist won’t leave you alone right away
Now breakups are always hard, but when you’ve been in a relationship with someone who uses others and is obsessed with themselves, it can be even harder.
At first glance, narcissists seem charming, engaged, and charismatic, which can make it difficult to leave them.
Dr. Judith Orloff , a clinical psychiatrist at the University of California , wrote on Psychology Today that narcissists tell you :
“Made in love with them so much that it feels like giving up a piece of your heart when you leave them because they are extremely good at making everything revolve around them when you are with them.”
Unfortunately, it is not the case that when you have finally chosen for yourself, you are rid of it.
When your relationship with a narcissist comes to an end, chances are you won’t be left alone.
In fact, you may be almost begged to hang out right after you break up.
Your ex tries to reconnect and acts like everything was back to normal, even if you’ve made it clear that you’re angry and don’t want to be together anymore.
This can even resemble a stalker’s behavior. If you feel that this behavior is intense and repeated, it’s important that you absolutely stop contacting them.
Depending on the type of narcissist, this can take weeks, but usually it’s worst in the first week or two.
Why doesn’t the narcissist just accept your departure?
This has several reasons:
Could it be that you just mean a lot to him or her?
Perhaps. But there’s a higher chance, especially if it’s someone with a strong narcissistic personality, that it’s one of the above reasons.
While the narcissist’s behavior to get you back is strongest in the beginning, it can sometimes continue for years in a less intense way.
This is also known as “ hoovering ”. Which comes down to draining your energy.
You get a text or a call and when you respond, they try every possible way to get you back into their life and then reject you again.
Why does this “ hoovering ” take place? For 4 reasons:
The narcissist gets a kick out of figuring out how you react to his behavior data-css=”tve-u-17c98e098c6″> .
Whether this is going to be a nice reaction, an angry one or a sad one, it doesn’t matter. It’s not about actually making you happy. It’s about provoking a response.
You must understand this well. This explains why the narcissist can be cute one minute and make you feel like you shouldn’t exist the next.
The only thing you can do about this is avoid any possible contact. Read further on in this article how you can really let go of a narcissist.
When does a narcissist leave you
When a narcissist leaves you depends on three factors:
A narcissist can end your relationship just like that and rationalize it in a number of ways. Two common arguments are:
You’re not who he thought you were
This argument is useful, because it means they don’t have to take on any debt. It’s your fault it didn’t work, not their inability to commit.
Now that the narcissist has gotten to know you better and sees your flaws (like everyone else has, including the narcissist – the narcissist doesn’t tolerate flaws though), there’s no point in staying with you.
Actually, he wasn’t even in love with you. He was in love with the idea of a perfect couple that everyone envied.
For the narcissist, it is about the picture from the outside, about perfection, about admiration. If this turns out to be disappointing, he is quickly gone.
Your love is doomed to failure
Your relationship didn’t work out because tragically it was doomed from the start. This argument is also a favorite among the narcissists.
It is based on the romantic and tragic love story of Romeo and Juliet or on stories like The Notebook, Titanic etc.
This still gives a narcissist his emotional kick and frees him from discussing everyday issues that were between you. And so he doesn’t have to look in the mirror again.
Also in bed, a narcissist shows that he only thinks of himself. Do you recognize these warning signs in your sex life?
When does a narcissist come back?
A narcissist lives with the illusion of himself built on his ability to control other people. When he loses it, this illusion shatters.
This explains why a narcissist goes into turbo mode when you ignore him .
Because you no longer contact them, a narcissist feels powerless and small. As a result, they sometimes do everything they can to lure you back so that you help raise their self-esteem again.
Narcissists are often unhappy. They are full of jealousy, anger, insecurity and hatred. That’s why they look for someone to take out their negative emotions on.
What Love Means to a Narcissist
A narcissist really only feels love for himself. This is important to understand. Because even though it hurts, this is the only way you’ll see why you need to cut off the contact.
In a relationship with a narcissist, you always come second. Or perhaps last, because his hobbies often take precedence.
Even with a narcissistic father or a narcissistic mother , their children may come second.
Here is a powerfully written text by John Howell , which gives a good idea of what love means to a narcissist (loosely translated).
“When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love myself because of you . I love to see myself through your eyes.
I love having a new person in my life to tell my stories, express my opinions, and share my profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life.
I love hearing myself say these things, imagining how they sound to you and how you are captivated by me.”
“When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love wearing something beautiful, like a new outfit. I love how you feel on my body. I love how I feel about myself when you are with me.”
“When I say I’m in love with you, I like not to be alone. I like a full-time, private audience.”
“When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love to be your mystery, your riddle, the thing that keeps you up at night, your obsession. I love to be your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle.
I love to be your answer. I love to be the subject of your sacrifice. I love to be your pain .”
“When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love to be your sun, monopolize your orbit, be your gravity, pull you back to me no matter how hard you try to jump or fly , keep you low. to keep making you mine.”
“When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love to breathe your oxygen, suck your blood, eat your dreams. I love being your drug, your dagger, your suicide note.
“When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I’m going to tell my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how movie-like, what for wonderful couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, little by little, disappeared .”
John Howell ,
7 tips that will help you narcissist leave you alone:
Has the above made it clear to you that you really have to give up now? Well done! Then we will now help you with tips that will make that easier for you.
1. Absolutely no contact
No contact is crucial when distancing yourself from a narcissist.
Even though it is extremely difficult not to react, remember that with every reaction you give him or her energy again. Energy with which he can then suck you further empty.
Also check out the following video on narcissism from TED-Ed :
Block his phone number. Block his email address. Block him on your social media. He will try to contact you, beat him up and keep him out of your life and out of your mind.
Do you have children together? Then this is more difficult. Then see a therapist and try to create a shared parenting plan in which you agree on time allocation, financial responsibilities and ways to contact – possibly through an intermediary.
2. Get out immediately and don’t linger
While it’s not the most elegant way, it’s smart to tell him or her via text message (SMS, WhatsApp, email) that you don’t want to see him or her again and that you wish him well.
Leave it at that and block his phone number. Any other form of contact can get you sucked back into the relationship.
Did you forget something in his or her house? Leave it alone (unless it’s important, like your passport).
Narcissists are masters of hoovering . He tells you exactly what you want to hear, and when you get back to him, everything is exactly as before or even worse.
3. Consider cutting contact between mutual friends
If you have mutual friends who tell you that you made a mistake and shouldn’t have left him, tell them you don’t want to talk about him anymore.
If they still keep talking about him then block them too. Your mental well-being depends on how far you can stay away from the narcissist.
That also means that you don’t waste energy talking about him with his friends.
Of course it is different if you want to tell your story to your own friends or family. That is good for processing the loss.
Because it is and remains a loss. You cared about that person, but now it’s time to put yourself first and get strong again.
Usually, narcissists send a friend to persuade you to come back or to tell them positive things about him. Remember, these friends don’t know him the same way you do!
4. Write down why you broke up
However, it’s equally important to remember the times when he damaged your self-esteem, doubted your own mental health, or made you feel guilty.
Write this down. Write down when he lied to you. Write down when you knew he was lying to you but told you you were worrying about nothing or misunderstood.
5. Expect the narcissist to move on soon
Narcissists don’t take time to process a relationship because they need a new source of narcissistic fuel.
You might even find out that they had already planned an exit strategy. Or that they already had someone else ready.
Don’t take this personally. This is just the way narcissists deal with relationships and people.
6. Take time to grieve and process
You mourn not only the end of a relationship, but also the person you thought was your partner. You also mourn the loss of a piece of yourself.
Once the narcissist’s facade is gone, you see his real character. And that can be quite shocking.
In the beginning, the narcissist showered you with compliments and attention, chased you hard until he had enough of you.
Only then do you see the real person. But then it is already too late, you have already developed an emotional connection with him or her.
Remember that if you had stayed with him longer, your self-image would have been damaged even more. That’s the only outcome in a relationship with a narcissist, so be glad you’re gone.
7. Keep yourself busy
While it’s important to acknowledge the emotions that come with breaking up, it’s also important to keep yourself busy.
Make a list of things that give you emotional support when you need distraction.
Exercise, find a new hobby and spend more time with yourself.
Work on your own development and acceptance of who you are. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can take a toll on your self-image, so it’s important that you put yourself first.
Learn from it and get stronger from it. And recognize the signs next time so you can run really fast.
Have you been in a relationship with a narcissist? What are your experiences with a narcissist? Let us know in the comments below, we’d love to hear from you.
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