An article for all women who have a difficult relationship with their mother (and there are many!). You cannot experience wholeness until you honor your mother within yourself, says therapist Nadine Carter. Perhaps this idea provokes resistance and pain in you. Then be sure to read her 6 valuable advice. “By denying your mother, you are also denying yourself. You are her daughter, part of her is inside you.”
You can make a difference, precisely because you live in this time. You heal an old woman’s line and become whole yourself.
“I’ll never be like my mother!”
There is a whole women’s line behind us: women who have gone before us in what we now stand for. Women who are our mothers, our grandmothers… We continue to spread their powers. But sometimes we also carry their burdens, things they have not been able to solve. This makes it difficult to feel whole. How we experience the connection with our own mother also often plays a major role.
Haven’t we all sighed somewhere along the way in aging or perhaps shouted out loud ‘I’ll never be like my mother!’ – only to find out that we’re doing the exact same thing? One can laugh about it, the other gets completely stuck in himself. Because when things have happened that should not have happened, that touched or even damaged you, then honoring your mother in yourself is quite a job. But it is what you have to do if you want to become completely whole, and if you want to fully accept yourself. You are her daughter.
That’s how important a healthy bonding band is
When you are little, your mother is everything to you. She is the first person you attach to and a good, healthy bond is important to grow into a stable and confident mature woman. The attachment relationship can be disrupted by many things. It can already happen due to a traumatic birth where you as a little one had to lie in an incubator for days or weeks after an emergency cesarean section.
Then there is no chance of establishing the first bond. This can be overtaken, but when you come to a mother who is still struggling with all kinds of traumas or problems, they disrupt the recovery from a traumatic birth and a further healthy attachment. This isn’t about guilt. If someone could do it differently, they would. That applies to your mother, to all mothers before that and therefore also to you.
Go your own way
You go your own way, you separate from your mother. For one this is easy and it can be done in freedom, unconditional love and trust. For the other it is a struggle based on mistrust and fear of loss. Mothers who are still in pain, have difficulty being alone and are afraid of loss, often have difficulty letting go of their children. They fill a void for them. It is too heavy a burden on the shoulders of children, who come loose and go your own way, quite difficult. The harder these women try not to be like their mother, the harder it gets for them.
6 Advice: this is how you can become whole
Some advice that will help you to fully accept yourself and experience wholeness.
1. Acknowledge your mother in all her facets
One of the most important things you have to do is recognize your mother in all her facets. So with all its dark sides. By denying your mother, you also deny yourself. You are her daughter, part of her is inside you. The other part is your father and another part is your authentic self, your blueprint, all your own. But when you deny your mother, it is difficult or impossible for you to reach your own point and in any case you will not be whole. You experience wholeness the moment you accept all the pieces of and within yourself, but above all you allow it. So also the part of your mother, the part you didn’t want to be.
2. Realize that you are more than your mother
It is a (part of) your basis: your mother in you. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep doing the same thing. You can make different choices. Honoring her in yourself, admitting it, doesn’t mean you have to be like that. You are more than your mother. Keep fighting that part makes you keep fighting yourself. As a result, history repeats itself in a certain way in yourself, while you have been living on your own for a long time and perhaps no longer have contact with your mother. So it’s not about you being your mother. No, it’s about accepting that you’re like her, that parts of her are inside you.
3. Make your own pure choices
Recognizing, honoring, your mother, makes you honor and acknowledge an important foundation in yourself—that is, honoring and acknowledging yourself. From there you can develop as you wish; grow as you feel is meant for you. From that foundation of acceptance and unconditional love, without guilt or resentment, you can make your own pure choices. This is not the same as contacting again (if breaking contact was the only option for you). It’s about how you become whole again. You don’t need to be in contact with anyone for that; for example, perhaps she is no longer there.
4. Get out of the victim role
You don’t just do this process overnight. It takes time in years and involves literally getting older, maybe becoming a mother yourself, gaining experiences in life that shape you and make room to be able to do this. It also requires some self-work. As long as you are victimized by a bad childhood, you put the blame on the other person, you cannot take these steps. Peeling yourself away, clearing old wounds layer by layer, is one of the things you have to do to be whole. No one else can do this for you, no matter what you’ve been through, whatever the other person did in your childhood, no matter how bad. They are the lessons you have to learn in life to become what you are meant to be.
5. Take responsibility
Wholeness comes when you are ready to take responsibility for everything you create in your life. That you can see that you played an equally important part in the interaction between your mother and you. It already arises as a child, as a child you are not responsible for that mechanism, but later on you are just as responsible for maintaining it as your mother.
In an open loving relationship this is much more negotiable than in relationships that are fed by fear of rejection, guilt, not wanting to make mistakes and control. Pain points are then difficult to discuss, so that it takes longer before you can look openly at the connection together. So sometimes it’s really necessary that only you change. That you realize what always happens out of compassion and love, because you live in a different time, are more aware and have more at your disposal than the ideas of the past, of the women who came before you. You take their strengths and values with you. You can make a difference, precisely because you live in this time. You heal an old woman’s line and become whole yourself.
Room for love
Wholeness makes room for love. Whether it is in the connection with your mother herself, or the connection with yourself, your own children. Honoring your mother in yourself serves so much more: you transform what may be transformed in the women’s line, it makes you the person you were meant to be, the mother you long to be and your children need. Honoring your mother in yourself is honoring all parts of yourself: your shadow sides and the qualities that sometimes get in the way. Love and recognition soften, bring movement and more possibilities. They bring you closer to yourself.