You start living the way others want you to live, instead of staying true to yourself.
Boundaries are the walls of your home
Lately, there has been a lot of talk about boundaries, and what they do and don’t mean. Some, who misunderstand the word, think that boundaries have something to do with being in control of others. But boundaries have nothing to do with others. Your boundaries are not about others and what they do or don’t do.
Your boundaries, on the other hand, have everything to do with you, with your authentic desires and way of life. They are the walls of your house and you build them the way you want your house to be. Your feeling of safety, your purpose in life and creative urge, your personal power to do what you want with your life, your privacy, your autonomy. These are all positive aspects in the walls of your home.
Your opinion and feelings don’t count
But if you see your limits as something you do to others, you often choose not to take responsibility for your sincere limits, because the other person may not think that they can. But everyone likes to have walls around their house, right?
If you see your limits as something you do to others, you think things like:
- If I tell him I don’t want sex, I’m hurting him, so I’ll just go with it. Maybe I can pretend.
- I can’t tell her I’m too tired to mow the lawn tomorrow. Then she gets angry.
- I have to pick up the phone when she calls or she’ll get so upset.
- I can’t tell him how angry I am, it just turns into a fight.
It is clear here that the decisions are made based on someone else’s reaction. And based on how you think about the feelings of another. The concept of this is an ideal that has perpetuated you since childhood. Like your parents, you always told yourself to be nice to others while playing. Because if you do, you’re a good person.
If you don’t, you’re not a good person. This basically means that you are more concerned about how others see you than about who you really are. In particular, if you think a lot about what others think about your behavior, your appearance, what you say, and even how you feel about things, then you’re going to live it. In short, you start living the way others want you to live, rather than staying true to yourself.
Say yes to yourself
At work, I often talk to people who say, “I wish I could just stop worrying about what others think of me!” But in order to do that, you have to start living behind your own walls, your own boundaries. You must trust that you can live on the sacred ground of your own body, in order to live freely as your true self. In order to do that, you have to move into the inner territory.
Many simply cannot let go of the idea that others have more rights over them than themselves. Not until they trust that they themselves have the power to relax, they can live in their own safety and that their image of themselves and their life is the most important. The next time your inner self calls you to say no to something or someone, remember that you are saying Yes to yourself by trusting yourself. Only then can you create a beautiful home for yourself, in which you can live safely and happily.