In the reading sessions I give, I regularly encounter anger that is not expressed. These are mostly women with a highly developed heart. When I tell them to make more contact with that energy, the question invariably follows: how?
First and foremost: I have a reasonable contact with my anger, but I have not yet found the key to its transformation. I like to run away when I fight with my husband. And I am not very skilled at meeting his wrath with an open heart. But the steps below are a good start; to clear and activate blocked energy from its cage.
Step 1: Connect
Connect with the pure feeling, detached from the story, the judgments and accusations associated with it. The feeling of aggression is blistering, flowing, intense. It is fire that burns blockages, breaks through old structures. It’s not such an easy energy to “keep up”. As your consciousness grows (and with it your energy field), it gets easier.
Step 2: Take responsibility
If you look at the energy fields, you see that men in relationships are more likely to indulge their anger precisely because women oppress them, so that men are more often ‘perpetrators’ and women ‘victims’. The common field seeks the balance. However, the reality is that the energy of both can be destructive.
Men and women must therefore take responsibility for the destructive aspect of their anger. For women, it applies that they make contact with the feeling under the irritation and the accusations, but also that they become aware of their own perpetrators. Aggression is just part of us. Just look at Kali.
Step 3: Recognize your anger
Anger in its pure form is powerful, clear, rigorous life energy. Able to set boundaries, set things in motion, break through blockages, and be clear about needs. However, that pure, raw energy comes out distorted for most people; as dissatisfaction, irritation, aloofness, complaining and blaming. Or as other emotions, such as jealousy and disappointment. And then very often there’s the sadness, which masks the anger – that makes us never show our ugly side, because our hearts seem hurt and we expect comfort.
Step 4: Let go of judgment and get out of your story
Letting go of your judgments and stories; that is, of course, the first of all spiritual teachings, but it is not quite so simple. The judgment of anger is deeply entrenched in the collective consciousness, as are stories about perpetrators and victims. Whoever begins to appropriate his anger contributes, from within, to the change in the world. That means stopping seeing the violence only in the outside world and letting go of judgment on (one’s own and others’) destructive energy.
Step 5: Express your anger
Anger needs an outlet. Sports, yelling in the park, yoga , sex , wrestling with your partner, and most importantly: expressing yourself. It brings out your inner world. Of course it’s nice if you don’t lose yourself in your anger, and you don’t take advantage of your husband and children, but don’t drive yourself to perfection. It promotes suppression of energy. You will probably – unfortunately – first end up in a phase in which your communication does not deserve the beauty prize.
Step 6: Live out your anger in a conscious way
One of my teachers once said, ‘Just let your imagination run wild. What would you do with that man?’ It didn’t seem spiritually correct to me; after all, we are connected through the energy field, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. But she replied, “That energy is there anyway. They’ll feel it anyway.’ With imagination you take the lid off the well, make sure that the energy does not remain blocked and that it finds its own way underground. It is of course important that you indulge yourself with awareness. The intention is transformation.
Step 7: Healing
If the anger does not transform, there will be no end to the discharge. Then you can drain energy all you want, but it builds up again, the pressure builds, until you overflow again. The foregoing steps all help slowly but surely broaden your energy field and make your heart more resilient, allowing you to tolerate the intensity of anger.
But the most healing of all is when you have someone next to you who can meet you in your anger. When there is no response to your anger—no hardening, no oppression, no rejection—but an open heart that sees you as you are. A person who does not pass judgment, but asks an open question. I’ll keep practicing.