That has been different. For years I wore a mask, sometimes more than one. The ‘I am strong and tough’ mask was popular. But especially the masks: ‘Nothing is wrong with me’ and ‘everything is under control’ were favorites.
I was terrified that anyone could see behind that mask. Could see how I really felt. Insecure, invisible and most of all confused about my life and my purpose.
Because the path I followed was it mine? The work I did, the city where I lived. Did I want to be here? Or was I living someone else’s life? And not mine? A life of expectations fulfilled by me. A life like any other, without my soul imprint.
Stumbling about expectations.
By stumbling over fulfilled expectations, my mask fell off, and I fell to the ground. No more control and ‘nothing is wrong’.
A depth, so terribly dark followed. A time of complete desperation, fatigue and sadness. Who am I? What do I want and what should I do now?
During this period, ‘not knowing anymore’ was my biggest fear. I felt vulnerable and that made me desperate at times. My mind was working overtime just to understand, place and solve everything. Over and over again, with no reassuring outcome.
I just kept on worrying, there was no end to it. I thought: ‘If I just keep thinking, I’ll know what to do.’ Thoughts kept coming and I kept running after them.
The wisdom of your heart.
But what I didn’t know at the time, or actually found it way too scary, was that your thoughts don’t have all the answers. It wasn’t. Thoughts are tricks to distract you. To distract from the wisdom of your heart.
But how do I get to that wisdom? By becoming still, breathing, with every thought that arises again. From your head to your heart, by breathing into your belly.
And that…that means that sometimes you don’t know right away. Have no idea what to do. Because an answer to your questions does not always reach your heart directly on a tray. Sometimes your heart asks you not to think and to act. But precisely not to know, and to just let something that you run into or worry about is there.
And therein lies the power of vulnerability. Because by surrendering to not knowing for a while and just letting it be, space can arise for new consciousness. New consciousness with an answer from your heart.