About the beauty that comes with pain. About light that can be found in the dark. That there is always beauty in pain, no matter how bad your pain is. If you just want to see it. If only you would look at the incidental beauty of your pain. No matter how difficult it sometimes seems.
Messages from your soul
By now I am sure that the Dark carries a secondary beauty and that it serves a higher purpose. That, for example, self-destruction, illness and loss are strong messengers of your soul. That they’re coming to tell you something. Something you may be stubbornly denying, something you don’t want or dare to see. Something based on fear.
I am writing about this because last year I slipped quite unluckily through a puddle of water with sleet in it. That slip of a few seconds resulted in a year in which I was more or less forced to explore my limits and surrender. Exploring my physical and energetic limits and surrendering to all kinds of deeply hidden feelings, fears and pains. I had to surrender to what was there at that moment.
On my back, lying on the couch with nothing but a ticking clock, an unfilled agenda and the view of a deserted street, I was fighting like a beast. Not against the disease. No. I fought against the emptiness in my soul. That fight against the void lasted endlessly and made everything worse. Series, films, books, medicines, drinks, food, games, social media... it was the tissues that had to close the hole in my soul. Which of course didn’t work, because the wipes were not strong enough. So what did I do? Throw away and buy new ones. Keep taming with means that didn’t work on a deeper level, keep messing around, keep crying.
striving for love
The recovery time, the literal ups and downs. Falling again. Learning to get up again, the time, but above all the silence has shown me how badly my anxious ego was always looking for reassurance. How my ego subconsciously tried to force the trust and respect of the other person with certain behavior. With deeds. Because in my view that was the only way to get the love that I was so striving for. Basically a kind of barter. I’m doing something I think you expect. You are indeed happy, so somehow I am happy too. The other is reassured. So I can be there .
Under those conditions, I was loved in my eyes. Only with certain achieved success, only with helped people, only with happy faces around me, only with successful projects, only with so many likes or clicks and numbers in the bank account could I just be there. Other: better disappear or work on myself and/or keep myself invisible until I thought I could be there.
In my view, happiness and love could only be obtained when all those conditions were met. You got love by doing, by displaying desired behaviour, by reassuring and helping people, by being ideal, so to speak.
But with my physical failure I couldn’t live up to it anymore. That gave me those feelings of emptiness. That gave the feeling of ‘holes’ in my existence. My raison d’être had come to a shaky point. There was nothing more I could do, nothing more to give to receive .
Happiness cannot be found in something outside of you.
Into the void
How, dear sir ? I asked very often. How does bleeding from my insides stop? How do I end this nasty void? When I was finally able to walk again and shuffled every day on my crutches to the park nearby, I slowly got answers. They calmed me down. In gratitude. In surrender. As if I then heard a voice in my head speaking to me. In my Iphone notes I then typed:
Happiness cannot be found in a house, a partner, a job, a project, a wonderful achievement, in family or friends. Happiness is also not found in art or culture, not in travel. Not in others. Not in anything outside of you. You think so, sometimes it seems that way, and yet: you don’t get happiness permanently from something or someone outside of you. However, temporarily. Secure. Temporarily you can get a lot of happiness from the above things. But it makes you dependent. And as soon as some of the things that make you happy somehow disappear from you, you are back to square one, then there is again emptiness and fear. Dependence on something or someone outside of you leads to: fear of loss and shortcoming, emptiness, jealousy, control and addictions. It leads to self-destruction and self-undermining.
So you only get happiness from yourself by breathing love and trust. By blowing out fear or anger. By repeating that countless times and by training yourself in it. The love you feel after breathing in and out comes from you and has no origin or conditions. It’s there. You take it from your heart and happiness finds a beautiful way through nature and through music, through art. Through creation, through manifestation and through the love of others.
You do not get love by seeking and receiving reward and recognition and thus reassurance from others. Love is within you and you can summon and address it wherever you are and with whoever or whatever you are. Through beautiful things from the outside, love becomes even more intense, even more beautiful and even deeper. But you don’t need those outside things to feel love and gratitude. That’s in you.
So I don’t need anything except my will, I thought. My will to trust. My will to breathe love. No affirmation from others, no so-called identity, no father or mother figure as a partner, no addictions, no ultra-tight body, no friends, no pleasure, no desire, no pill, no book, no yoga, no meditation. Nothing is necessary first to learn to trust myself, except my will to trust. So that is the deeper meaning of freedom and happiness. So that’s Love .
Trust ensures that things like self-help books, your talents and the way you use them, meditation , self-knowledge, yoga, a job, being outdoors, friends, passion, pleasure and desire contribute and only increase your happiness. But you don’t need all those things to trust. Just your will, your intention to trust is fundamental .
How many times have I gone wrong again after these wonderful insights? Thousands of times. How often do I have to prove myself again and give a lot first? Millions of times. How often does my body say very quickly: stop Janine, you’re doing it again? Every day.
New conditions, new standards, n New ways of loving. New ideas about (self) confidence, transition on a large scale. Changes to become independent, happy and free, without outside help. It takes an enormous amount of time. It takes time, pain, effort and willpower to reprogram yourself.
As soon as darkness rises in your mind again. In any way whatsoever. With illness, loss or failure. Then that means: return to your deep-seated intent to become independent. Return to the Love in your soul. Return to God.