This Is Why Narcissists Seem So Attractive (But Are Actually Dangerous)

How does the narcissist's spell work?

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This Is Why Narcissists Seem So Attractive (But Are Actually Dangerous)
How does the narcissist do it? What is the great secret of its appeal? This article discusses the infamous tactics that narcissists use. “You are dealing with a master manipulator. Someone who takes advantage of your unconscious deep pain pieces.”

Wherever you read ‘he’ or ‘him’, you can read ‘she’ or ‘her’. 

What we fail to realize in the intoxication of the moment is that there is no real warmth, love, or authenticity in a narcissist’s gestures.

A nose for weak spots

It remains astonishing: the spell of the narcissist. I often get people in my practice who wonder aloud: ‘How does he do it?’ That is a good question. How does the narcissist’s magical attraction work?
The narcissist notices consciously or unconsciously and instinctively where your ‘weaknesses’ are. The lack of love you experienced in your youth. The lack of contact, care, attention, or affirmation that made you doubt yourself in your earliest years. As a result, we often develop survival strategies from a very early age.

Survival mechanisms

This Is Why Narcissists Seem So Attractive (But Are Actually Dangerous)

These are survival mechanisms such as: taking care of the other to make contact. Confirming others in the hope of being confirmed themselves. Please to survive. Keep the peace in hopes you don’t get hit. Try your best and perform in the hope that you will finally get recognition and the feeling that you can be there. The narcissist is trained to notice such pain points and tactics. He has a nose for it, so to speak, a radar that is always on. (I call the narcissist he, but it could also be a she.) The strategy the narcissist then employs varies by type.

This is how the extroverted narcissist acts…

An extroverted narcissist apparently overloads you with what you’ve been missing so much. Attention. Romantic gestures. presents. Recognition. But what we fail to realize in the intoxication of the moment is that there is no real warmth, love or authenticity in these gestures. They are often texts copied from the internet. Bits of dialogue from movies. Presents without substance. Some adept narcissists are even able to channel someone else’s energy and parts of someone else’s personality or past lives to seduce us. This is the cause of many “twin flame dramas.”

Your pain as food

He first makes you feel like you’re getting everything you ever wanted. And when the contact is well established, the emotional extortion begins. Sudden stitches. To confuse. tantrums. Jealous behavior. possessiveness. claim. To blame. Turn everything around. gas lighting. That’s when you start working hard to get the romance back from the beginning. You are, as it were, addicted to that semblance of love and you want your ‘fix’ back. That’s the dangerous moment when you’re going to deflate. Your pain is its nourishment. The narcissist thrives on drama.

This Is Why Narcissists Seem So Attractive (But Are Actually Dangerous)

An extroverted narcissist apparently overloads you with what you’ve been missing so much. Attention. Romantic gestures. presents.

This is what the introverted narcissist does…

The sensitive or introverted narcissist does things a little differently. He uses pitifulness in combination with the appearance of romance. You want to save that poor prince on the slightly sallow horse. If you love him enough, he will recover and become the beautiful hero that should be at the core. Or not?

This narcissist is also a cunning manipulator who doesn’t even shy away from using his own real tragedy, his tragic childhood, and traumas to hook you and drain you. A narcissist’s diet is attention, any kind of attention. As long as it’s about him. This narcissist mainly wants attention and care in a passive way.

An abandoned child piece

But the real tragedy of a relationship with a pathetic narcissist lies in this: we project our own lost inner child onto the narcissist. Or the mother who was never there for us. Or the father who abandoned us. All our own old suffering is grandly misused here, as is the survival strategy of ‘taking care of the other in the hope of receiving yourself’.
The pathetic narcissist takes no responsibility for himself and tempts you to take care of him. But we also take no responsibility for our abandoned child piece. We take care of the narcissist, rather than ourselves.

We project our own lost inner child onto the narcissist. Or the mother who was never there for us. Or the father who abandoned us.

You give away what you want for yourself…

The paradox is that the narcissist tempts you to give away what you want so badly: yourself. That which we missed as a child, which made us give, care, and perform. It’s part of ourselves. Our love, our strength, that which makes us special, our unique qualities. We have not appropriated them. We have started using them as currency in our survival strategies. We project our own beauty, love, and power onto the narcissist — and then try to get it back.

But you are already the beautiful, unique, valuable person that you are. Due to the lack of a good mirror in your youth, due to the lack of confirmation, recognition, attention, care and love, you have started to give it away in the hope of contact, safety, and recognition. But it’s you!

This Is Why Narcissists Seem So Attractive (But Are Actually Dangerous)

Left exhausted

That’s the value the narcissist saw in you – your unapproachable value – and he wants it. Good or bad. It is a complex dance that you do with the narcissist, but in the end, it works the same for every narcissist. You do not appropriate your own valuable pieces and project them onto him. It provides a blank projection screen and gives the appearance of fulfilling your needs. But those needs are never satisfied, so you continue to crave more like an addict. Until you are left empty and exhausted. You gave yourself away…

This is the solution

The solution is simple but not easy: dealing with your deep pains, the unmet needs, recognizing your survival strategies, and recovering your own beautiful energy, qualities, love, and power. Embracing your inner child, which is so confused and neglected. Reconnecting with your original qualities, which you projected and outsourced in childhood. The qualities you thought you saw in the narcissist are actually yours. It is the splendor of your true being.

Forgive yourself

The narcissist tempts you to project your own beauty, love, and strength onto him. Ultimately, this is a dead-end. To come back to yourself, break the spell and heal from the relationship with a narcissist, it is important to be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You have been dealing with a master manipulator. An actor who has elevated parasitic behavior to an art form. Someone who specializes in cheating. Someone who takes advantage of the unconscious deep hurts of others.

The qualities you thought you saw in the narcissist are actually yours.

Recognize the tricks

None of us learned from childhood that these people exist, how they operate, and how to protect ourselves from them. Even psychologists are tutored by experiential experts because narcissistic personality disorder is treated very superficially at university. The good news is: that every narcissist uses more or less the same tricks. If you know one, you know them all. And when you’ve healed yourself, it becomes easier to navigate the world, recognize the narcissist and let it go for good.

The paradox is that the narcissist tempts you to give away what you want so badly: yourself.

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