Tips from a therapist: this is how you develop more self-love

Tips from a therapist: this is how you develop more self-love

What do self-love, your childhood, and your mother have in common? A lot, says therapist Nadine Carter. Read in this article how you can give yourself the love you long for. “Realize that the lack you experience now has to do with what you missed in your childhood.”

Realize that there is always someone there when you need them. Realize that you are that yourself.

The primal mother in you

Self-love, how much has been written about that already. Tips on what to say to yourself and how to set boundaries… But I’m looking for something deeper. If it were all that simple, wouldn’t the world be overflowing with love by now? We find that deeper level at the level of the mother, your own mother. I take you to her – into yourself.

What did you miss as a child?

The realization that you want and need more self-love often comes from deep pain, the lack of love. You experience it because you get upset when a friendship ends. Or when your partner withdraws into silence when you are arguing and you are left alone with your anger or sadness. You feel all too well that you don’t want to depend on the love of another and that you want to take the step towards self-love. So that you can stay with yourself when you are so touched and feel alone.

But how do you do that: give yourself love? It starts with this: realizing that the lack you experience now has to do with what you missed in your childhood. And more specifically, that you missed your mother’s, unconditional love. So it is time to find the primal mother in yourself so that from there you can give yourself what you have missed and need now.

No longer dependent on mother’s love

Tips from a therapist: this is how you develop more self-love

The primal mother is always fully present, noticing and touching with a softness that warms intensely. She is always there with her full attention, she is bright and clear, she helps on the way without steering, allows mistakes, and is like an anchor. She knows only unconditional love.

You may have missed this in your childhood. Every parent has their own backpack, every parent would have done it differently if he or she could, including your mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. Growing up is, among other things, about being there for yourself and not being dependent on a mother’s love anymore.

Eight valuable tips: this is how you develop (more) self-love

Feel the primal mother in you and ask yourself: how are you, sweetheart?

1. Be fully present within yourself

Our heads are on and running if we don’t pay attention. Everything that has to do with movement, stillness, or creation helps you to get out of your head. Go to the forest, meditate, make or listen to music, paint, and above all do what makes your heart happy. The more you are so busy with your hands, the more you get out of your head. But don’t forget to really sit down once in a while and let your head ‘talk out’ until it’s completely quiet.

2. Ask yourself: how are you?

Check yourself regularly, as a mother would. Feel the primal mother in you and ask yourself: how are you, sweetheart? (Or in other words, it just depends on how you like to address yourself.) And answer honestly, be honest.

3. Be true to yourself

Just noticing what is going on with you is not very useful, act accordingly. Is your answer that you are really tired? Plan more rest as soon as possible. One can lie down immediately, the other later. Be aware of how you are doing and agree with yourself on what your evening will look like. And stick to it! That is perhaps the hardest part because so much can come in between along the way. Be true to yourself.

Tips from a therapist: this is how you develop more self-love

4. Touch yourself

Your body is so important, it needs no further explanation that you need to take good care of it. You probably do, but do you ever consciously touch yourself? Do you know what it feels like to put your hands around your cheeks like a mother with her little child?

Try doing it while sitting quietly, leaning your chin in your hands. What do you experience? Another example. You can curl up on the couch under a blanket because you’re used to that. You can also feel very consciously what you are doing with it: you are covering yourself up. Realize that you cherish yourself in this way.

5. Listen to your body’s signals

See yourself. In order to truly love yourself, you need to notice your body signals. Our body communicates so clearly and gives so many signals, we just often don’t pick up on them. Yes, when it’s too late and we’re hurting, when we’ve crossed our line. A small cramp in your stomach, an uncanny feeling, a stab in your head, a closed throat, faster breathing… When you are in connection with your body, you notice it immediately. And you also perceive the signals around you much faster.

6. Don’t judge or judge

Help yourself on your way without steering or losing weight. Follow your own flow, not the goals you have set in your head. (In itself it is important that you ask them, and then let them go.) Get to know your own pace, discover what works for you and accept that. You may have come up with something, but if it works differently for you, then it works differently. That too is self-love. Your time, your pace, and your way.

7. See every experience as a lesson

Tips from a therapist: this is how you develop more self-love

A primeval mother does not punish, does not judge, but helps you to learn from it, so that you can grow. Every mistake, or rather experience, carries a lesson. The primal mother in you supports you to look at this lesson with love. That also has to do with unconditionality, don’t judge yourself. See where you stand and what you can do at the moment and realize: all is well.

8. Be your own anchor

The anchor that feels solid when it’s needed and gives you peace of mind when you’re too tired. An anchor to come back to yourself when necessary. Realize that there is always someone there when you need them. Realize that that is you. Realize that you are never alone.

It’s the primal mother

who saw you


And took

In her wake

into the world


It’s the primal mother

who embraced you

held you safe

In her arms


It’s the primal mother

who spoke to you

words that cared

made you strong

made to feel

May you be there


It is the primal mother in you

That makes you feel safe

You put your feet firmly on the ground

And goes

Wherever you want


Always safe

deep inside you

Ignorance takes you further

based on trust

That’s all

Like it is

And always goes well


It is the primal mother in you

who loves you

Until eternity

And infinity


it’s you

Who is always present

In your own space



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