What exactly is jealousy?
When we are jealous of another, we see in the other something that we feel we do not have ourselves. It can be a talent, a property, a quality, or something as superficial as an outward quality. For example, we can be jealous of someone’s sunny disposition or someone’s talent for playing the piano. We can envy the fact that someone is ‘lucky’ (that is, manifesting positive things through the Law of Attraction), or simply having that big head of curls that we actually wish we had ourselves.
What all these forms show is that we believe that we do not have something ourselves, that we are not able or that we are worth it, and that we are not able to grant it to others. Beneath jealousy is always pain: the pain of (wrongly) believing that you don’t have it yourself, are not worthy, cannot, are not good enough. From that pain we cannot be happy for or with the other.
What we believe we do not have or are not ourselves, does not have to be literally what we see in the other. An example: someone can give the impression on the outside that they have everything together: good looks, a good job, a successful practice. This can trigger the lack in you of: I don’t have that feeling of happiness, which I think goes with all those things . But really, it’s not about those outward things. It’s about that fundamental feeling of happiness, the feeling that you are valuable, that you are good just the way you are.
You could actually say that there are two forms of jealousy. One is destructive, the second can help you on your way to mastery.
Jealousy only becomes destructive when it is unconscious or when we do not take responsibility for it. We are not honest with ourselves and the other about the fact that we are jealous. We can then take our envy out on those we envy and let it guide our behavior. We project our anger at not having something onto the other person and we come to see that person as negative. We can consciously or unconsciously resort to tactics such as subtly ignoring the other person and their positive qualities, criticszing, sabotage, or in the worst case even trying to destroy what the other is, has or creates.
Destructive to relationships
This is destructive for the other person, who, once he realizes what is going on, will distance himself from you if he is sensible, and for your relationships. People who, whether consciously or not, are guided by jealousy cannot make a positive contribution to our lives, in fact: they always know how to sabotage our happiness, even if it is tacitly.
Destructive to yourself
In addition, it is especially destructive to yourself. Not just because people who notice that you are being led by jealousy will turn away. It is especially destructive to your ability to create your own happiness. When you let yourself be led by jealousy, you are creating negatively from the conviction that you do not have, are, can or are worth something. By rejecting what you want in the other, begrudging the other, you also shut yourself off from it. Then it is difficult or impossible for you to realize or create it yourself.
Jealousy can actually be constructive, if you dare to face it honestly. Then jealousy can give you valuable keys. Jealousy can help you discover where you still believe you aren’t, can’t, or aren’t worth something, so that you can begin to heal this pain. Jealousy can show you important things about yourself and what you believe.
Must be the best
For example, jealousy can show you that you somehow still believe that you have to be the best or most successful (fill in: blogger, athlete, mother, manager, chef, etc) to be good enough and worthy of love. This, of course, is a lie: we are all unique, good enough, and worthy of love. You may have been taught in your upbringing that you have to be the best to get love, and that can lead to harrowing, painful jealousy when you see someone else performing well. Then you can even subconsciously try to put the other person down in order to feel better.
Must have the best
It is also possible that you still believe that a specific characteristic or object must have in order to receive love and recognition: for example a form of external beauty, such as a slim figure, a certain car, or a certain form of intelligence. Then when you see it in the other person, it can lead to the same painful feelings of envy. But the truth is, you are already good just the way you are. What part of you still believes that he or she is only worthy of love if she is slim, has a certain degree, and so on? And why? Who taught her that?
Directions to your passion
In addition, jealousy can also help you on your way to discovering what your passion is. For example, I have many clients who are stuck in a job that they really don’t want, and who are looking for their true passion. Then I don’t just ask: what could you do all day without ever getting bored? What would you do if everything was possible and everything was allowed? But also: What makes you jealous when you see someone else doing it? What if you dared to do that too? And what’s stopping you?
Sometimes jealousy can even show you what you do have in you, but what you don’t yet believe you can do, are good enough for, are allowed or worth. It may be that in your youth you were undermined in discovering and living that quality: for example a talent for singing, writing, speaking, building… The harrowing feeling that you feel when someone else does that without hindrance, can leave you see that you have that in you too – and that it’s time to bring that quality to life!
The Gift of Jealousy
If you dare to dive into the jealousy honestly and examine what you really believe and feel, it can help you discover your true self, your talents and the qualities you’ve always buried – and most importantly, get you on the road help you appreciate and love yourself just the way you are – a beautiful expression of your creative, radiant Self!
Ultimately, there is nothing to be jealous of: we are all unique beings and individual expressions of the Creator. We are all good just the way we are. We have only come to believe that we are not good enough because of the experiences we have in the world: with parents, family, the performance-oriented school system, other children, TV, social media, etc.
The opposite of jealousy is love. You could say that unconditional love and gratitude are the antidote to jealousy. When you are able to grant the other person their happiness, from the knowledge that you are also worthy of that happiness, you open yourself to it.
Gratitude and happiness
When you can be grateful for what you are and have, you open yourself to happiness and attract more of the same. When you can be genuinely happy for the other person, you open your heart and give not only the other person but yourself the gift of joy – and joy is the main engine behind attracting what you want!