Just imagine: you are empty inside. You have no contact with your soul, with the Source, with your own feeling. Your heart is a dead, empty space. The emptiness is almost unbearable. You don’t dare to connect with yourself, because then you fall into a black hole of panic and horror. You are a narcissist. And then suddenly you see a flame – a flare of love, of light and hope. You see it in another . The other one, that’s you.
happiness in life
When you, as a narcissist, set your sights on someone else, you see in that other something that you have lost yourself. Perhaps centuries ago, or only a few decades ago. But what you have lost is indispensable for your happiness in life. It is the connection with your own heart, your own soul. It is the ability to feel and to connect . It’s zest for life and self-confidence. It is the condition for happiness in life.
Now imagine seeing that light in someone else. Someone who shines, who smiles, who enjoys life. Someone who is connected to his or her soul. As a narcissist you want that other person . After all, you can’t be that light yourself . So you start seducing the other person: with nice words, with gifts, or with sad stories to arouse empathy. Even if you don’t have empathy yourself, you instinctively know exactly what to say and do to keep the other person interested and into believing that you love her. You feel exactly where the weak spots are that you can get into.
Once you have captured the other person, in a relationship, a marriage, a parent-child relationship, as a narcissist you realize that you have a problem. The other does want to keep his freedom. It is an autonomous individual. In fact, you realize little by little that you can never possess the other – that you can never take the source of their fire, light, joie de vivre. Then the emptiness gnaws again.
So you try to hold on to that other person: by humiliating her, restricting her, making her small. Then she’ll stay. The smaller the other person feels, the less likely she is to leave. The smaller she feels, the bigger and more beautiful I can feel. I take her light that way – in fact, she gives it away herself, and doesn’t even realize it. The paler she gets, the brighter I stay, and the less she notices.
Hold or destroy
But when she does decide to leave you, after sometimes years of pain, the anger comes. How dare she go away and leave me without that light? How dare she leave me in the dark, with my empty heart, my empty self, my hole where my soul should be? And so I want to hold her by whatever means I have — or destroy her.
Filling with the energy of the other
In my experience, people with genuine narcissistic personality disorder embody the ultimate consequence of having an empty self and wanting to fill yourself with the energy of the other – with disastrous results.
We all do it a bit: wanting to fill the empty spaces in ourselves with the energy of the other. It’s nothing more than human. We project our hidden qualities onto others, put them on a pedestal and try to nourish ourselves with their brilliance, their energy. We try to fill ourselves with the attention, appreciation and pats on the back from others.
It only becomes a problem when we are so empty inside, as is the case with the narcissist, that we want to eat the other person, so to speak – or destroy them if they don’t want to feed us on themselves.
What can we learn from this? A lot. One of the things we can learn from the narcissist is that filling you up with the energy never makes the other person’s light last. However you look at it, it remains energy theft and never leads to real joy. The only way we will find happiness in life is to fill ourselves with the light of our own soul, our true Self, and manifest our own qualities on Earth.
The light of the other cannot feed us in the end. When we heal our own shadows and pain points and can manifest the light of our own souls on Earth, we no longer need the narcissist’s empty mirror – then we can BE in all joy. Then we are our own fulfillment. How delicious is that?