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Which secondary codependency patterns do you recognize?

Trying to control, being consumed by resentment and revenge, being stuck in your perfectionism… These are all examples of secondary codependency patterns that negatively affect your relationships with others. How do you make your connection with others true and healthy again?

Earlier we discussed the primary codependency patterns  that leave their mark on your relationship with yourself. In addition to working on this, you can also focus on breaking the secondary codpendency characteristics:

From negative control to living in surrender

You want to be in control of things that are not within your control, for example: your partner is not allowed to meet with certain people, or only drink a certain amount of alcohol. And while you may be right that this would be healthier for him or her, ultimately it’s not up to you to decide.

Conversely, you can also let your partner control what you do – how you dress, what you say, how you spend your time – for fear of being abandoned otherwise. And that while those things are not your partner’s business at all.

Your growth is in consciously and lovingly taking responsibility for your experiences in this life. You make the distinction between what is yours and what is the other’s. You exercise positive control over your behaviour, feelings and thoughts; that’s what you’re going to do. The more you embrace this personal power, the further you travel on your path of healing. Everything else that is ultimately out of your control, from your partner’s haircut to natural disasters, leave them alone. You surrender to what is.

From resentment to felt forgiveness

Giving too much in a relationship for too long will lead to anger. Again and again you let your limits be exceeded, but because you are afraid of losing the other person, you do not express your dissatisfaction. You keep your anger to yourself and resentment grows inside. You feel like a victim of your partner and you are thinking about how you can make him or her pay.

What you avoid with this is the anger and the mourning for the painful thing that happened . This feeling is very difficult and it can therefore be tempting to quickly move on to forgiveness. Forgiveness feels loving and good and that is what you want to experience in yourself. Moreover, those who forgive can often count on the approval of others.

Forgiving too soon, however, is a pitfall. In this way you get over your pain, you look away from what is going on inside you and your forgiveness becomes a strategy to avoid your pain. Only when you dare to fully admit your anger and then turn it into constructive action, such as setting and maintaining your limits, will you be able to create the space for felt forgiveness.

Which secondary codependency patterns do you recognize

From perfectionism to embracing yourself

Good enough is good enough, but that’s hard for you to see. Instead of making the connection from the vulnerable position of imperfection, you prefer to hide behind a mask of perfection. And that is guaranteed to lead to frustration, because perfection does not exist.

There will always be something to criticize, there is always room for improvement, this is the essence of being human. You can judge and fight the imperfection in yourself, but also that in someone else. Both arise from shame, only in the second case you project it onto the other.

It is important to realize that your imperfections also belong to you. When you hide them, you hide a part of yourself and you are not doing what you were on earth before. Show who you are, not who you think you should be, and let others live that way too. You don’t have to improve anything. Not your outside, not your inside. All you have to do is make peace with who you are.

From avoidance to seeing what is there

In order not to have to face what is going on inside you, you use addictive behavior or addictive substances. Avoiding the less pleasant sides, in life and in yourself, ultimately ensures that you no longer fully experience the fine sides. You level off and no longer experience, but only watch how others live.

Another very effective way to avoid your feelings is to enter into a destructive relationship . In such a relationship, you are never sure of your partner’s love, recognition and appreciation. Sometimes you get what you want and you feel fantastic, next time you are completely out in the cold. And with these artificial ups and downs you are so busy that there is no time left for your true feelings.

The solution lies in actually experiencing what is happening inside you. You may have become very afraid of what that is and it can certainly be painful to feel certain things. Only, your feelings are probably not nearly as scary as you imagine them to be. Your inner reality contains a message of love and you can bear any pain.

From commitment and separation anxiety to true connection

For fear of the judgment of the other, you can hide whole parts of yourself in dealing with others. You can further block the true connection by making contact from within your wounded Inner Child. You then want the other to take care of you, always be there and in full alignment with you.

This is where separation anxiety comes in, which often evokes a response from fear of attachment in the other person. The real connection is missing and the contact can feel empty and unreal. You don’t really feel together and you feel unfree.

True intimacy creates a full and connected feeling. Because you and your partner operate from your true self, you approach each other with an open mind. Everything that comes to the surface offers you the opportunity for growth and you are both willing to be vulnerable to this. This is how you walk your life path: connected in freedom.

Where are you on your path of healing? You can say it in the comments below.


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