You want to be yourself, to feel seen and heard, but you don’t dare, you can’t. It feels like you’re being rejected, maybe you’re being bullied too. So you keep looking. You keep adapting, pretending to be different, making smaller, bigger. But it pinches inside, so you feel anger, sadness and frustration.
And there will come a time when it comes out. Sometimes unexpected and uninhibited, sometimes consciously and controlled. But only when you heal this pain and start to embrace yourself in love, you will be able to truly be yourself.
Our joint child pain
Our greatest childhood pain is that of feeling unseen and unheard. Circumstances made it feel like you didn’t matter, like you were different. That hurt a lot for you as a child. Because not only did you want confirmation from your environment, but the group connection (instinctively) was also an important key to your survival. And because you were still too young to deal with this consciously, you started to adapt.
That’s how your survival mechanisms came into being. You started to pretend to be different, conform to the wishes or you started to make yourself smaller and smaller, preferably as invisible as possible, everything to be accepted and to belong.
Pretending to be different doesn’t work
If you literally do this with your body, you immediately feel that it is not right. When you get bigger, chest out, shoulders back, stretching and pretending to be tough and sturdy, you feel the effort it takes to keep from collapsing. When you make yourself smaller, with a round back, your shoulders forward, your heart, as it were, hiding, you immediately feel that there is little room left to breathe.
While if you normally stand upright, grounded, with a lovingly open and soft heart, your arms and shoulders relaxed, in a receptive but firm posture, then you feel that it is right. And if you do this while you ask someone else what they feel about it, they will also indicate that if you are yourself it feels much more pleasant for them too.
The mirror of your environment
But you didn’t do this as a kid. You wanted to be the same and to fit in, especially not to stand out and be seen. However, as is also apparent from the experiment with adopting different attitudes, if you are not in your I-power, in your place, things will start to twist somewhere. The result is a blockage of your energy, frustrations, anger and sadness. You wanted to be yourself, to feel seen and heard, but you didn’t dare. You couldn’t. There was too much fear.
You may have felt like you were being rejected and you may have been and you were being bullied. Which, seen from the experiment of the different attitudes, might also make sense. Your environment felt that something was not right and started to react to it from your own inner survival system. You also see this in animals and children. They instinctively sense when something is not right, when you are not congruent in what you radiate, and therefore how you feel inside, and what you do.
When you adapt, you maintain the system
You felt different and experienced that as annoying. However, the reality is that you are also different. Everyone is unique. Society has tried to put us in one system. It was and is mainly about desired behaviour, being part of society and being part of it.
The rules from above and thinking in boxes ensure that being different is perceived as wrong. The beliefs of our parents and ancestors about this, despite the good intentions, have only perpetuated this child pain.
This keeps wringing until the bomb bursts
However: adapting ourselves, pretending to be bigger or smaller, keeps wringing. Many people in their thirties and forties end up in a burnout. And after that burnout, when they finally find themselves again and take their own place, they are so sensitive when something is not right that they can no longer conform. You generally cannot put someone with a burnout back in the same system. He immediately gets sick again.
A child can do no other (anymore)
So it is with our children. They are different, they also feel different. They are unique. And our current systems, aimed at the masses, are no longer sufficient. We only started to suffer from our distorted inner system at the age of thirty or forty and only started living from our hearts after the crisis in our existence. These kids are already doing that.
They are sensitive, live from the connection with their heart, and if something is not right, it immediately hurts. And so they immediately get stuck if they have to conform anyway. They simply can’t, because their entire system is revolting. They get angry, sad, frustrated, they get sick literally and figuratively.
You alone can heal your pain
When a child gets stuck, we still tend to downplay, ignore, or at least make it fit back into the system quickly. The fact remains that the child is different. And acknowledging that is the biggest link in healing our child pain.
You have started filling in situations and events with your thoughts, emotions and feelings. And you saved them as stories full of scents and colors. But because you have done this out of fear and pain, instead of your heart, these stories have started to undermine you.
The power of diversity
We are not all identical. Everyone learns, lives and does it in their own way. If you can embrace your differentness, if you can start to see yourself in love for who you really are, then you can start to see this in your child. Then your being different becomes your unique strength. For your way is your destiny.
You can fill this in full of negativity, full of anger and sadness, or you can let your way strengthen you. Just like people who have gone rock bottom get back up and inspire others with their experience. So can you. And so you can be there for your child.
The Paradox of Our Child Pain
For it is the paradox of our common child pain of not being seen and heard, that you do not heal it by becoming visible to others, but by seeing yourself. Where for years the movement was directed outwards, it is now about the connection from within. And our children show us beautifully how being different can be your unique strength.
If you want to help your child when it gets stuck because it is different, celebrate that he is different and that his body and mind help him so much in his self-preservation. So that he does not get lost in the challenges on his path, but can stay close to himself. And this does not start by telling yourself another story, but by healing your story as a warm loving blanket around your heart.