Why The Narcissist Always Comes Back (Recognize & Avoid This)

Why The Narcissist Always Comes Back

Perhaps you have experienced it yourself: a narcissistic ex-partner who contacts you again and you ask yourself the question: ” Does a narcissist always come back ?”

Indeed, it happens very often that a narcissistic ex-partner contacts you again.  And you can help wandering why the narcissist always comes back. Because he or she loves you and wants to give your relationship a fair chance again?

Forget it!

A narcissist always comes back for very different reasons. Do you want to know what these are and what you can do to prevent it from getting worse? Then read on quickly.

Purpose of this article: In this article you will find out why a narcissist always comes back to you. You will also learn how to best respond to his or her attempts to rejoin your life.

Although narcissists seem full of themselves, they often have low self-esteem. This is confirmed by  a study published in the American journal ‘Personality and Individual Differences’.

Mary Kowalchyk , author of the related paper and clinical research coordinator at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, argues that typical narcissistic behavior is actually a way to overcome and cover up low self-esteem.

Do you remember the chocolate Easter bunnies you got for Easter as a kid? Or maybe you still love it…

Such a shiny chocolate Easter bunny looks beautiful on the outside. After one bite, however, you notice how hollow such an Easter bunny is on the inside. In addition, they are very vulnerable. After the first bite, such a beautiful Easter bunny often completely disintegrates into countless ordinary pieces of chocolate.

Well, that’s exactly how it is with narcissists: beautiful on the outside, hollow on the inside, and extremely vulnerable.

Narcissists often focus on how you behave for fear of being belittled. As soon as they notice a change in your behavior or even a change in your voice, they start to doubt themselves.

To compensate for insecure feelings about themselves, narcissists want as much confirmation as possible.

Why The Narcissist Always Comes Back

How do they do this?

  • By seeking attention.
  • By seeking confirmation.
  • By fishing for compliments.
  • By trying to control what others (in this case you) think about them.

A narcissist constantly needs these supplies to feel good about themselves.

If a narcissist finds that he is not getting enough supplies, he can look for it in very vicious ways.

Narcissist man with two women around him who give him attention

This often manifests itself in manipulation, humiliation, intimidation or gaslighting .

After all, the more anxious and intimidated you feel as a partner, the more likely you are to give in to your partner’s constant need for narcissistic supply.

So much for – in short – what moves a narcissist to manipulate, humiliate, intimidate and mistreat you.

If you’ve broken off your relationship with a narcissistic partner, you probably feel freer and relieved that you’re no longer a victim of it. Phew… finally inner peace.

Why The Narcissist Always Comes Back

But suddenly – just as you are getting your life back under control – … a message from your ex. You don’t know what to do with it…

On the one hand you feel embarrassed. “Is he still thinking about me? Hey, how nice!”

On the other hand, you think about everything you went through with your ex-partner and that makes you feel painful.

First of all, let me make it clear that if your narcissistic ex-partner contacts you again, he won’t consider your feelings at all. After all, a narcissist has no empathy at all.

Why does a narcissist seek contact again?

You can compare it a bit with a vulture trying to pluck small pieces from a carcass.

At one point the vulture sees another skeleton with some bits of flesh hanging from it and rushes to pluck this one off too without losing sight of the other carcass.

Why The Narcissist Always Comes Back

It’s not about you at all if your ex-partner comes back to you. It’s about him or her, just like it was during your relationship.

Your narcissistic partner comes back to you because he wants to check if there is still ‘stock’.

Somehow, your ex-partner is afraid that you won’t welcome him with open arms, so he’ll bring out one of his other manipulation techniques, which is  hoovering .

3 Reasons Why a Narcissist Always Comes Back and Contacts

A narcissist does not mourn a broken relationship and rarely feels remorse.

Why The Narcissist Always Comes Back

But why does he or she come back, you may now wonder. Why does a narcissist seek contact again?

I would like to discuss the reasons for this with you.

Reason 1: Because a narcissist needs supplies

During your relationship, your partner wasn’t really about you at all. Your partner needed you for a constant narcissistic supply in the form of attention, compliments, confirmation, etc…

It was important for your partner to hear and have confirmation of how ‘great’ he was. Because you often didn’t feel comfortable with the various manipulation techniques that your partner used, you also gave him this stock.

Why The Narcissist Always Comes Back

If he no longer receives this confirmation from you or if he does not find it sufficient, he will look for another ‘victim’. Someone with more prestige, who looks better, who has more to offer, etc…

Yet he can’t let go of you completely because he wants as much offer as possible and he knows that he can get this from you too.

Reason 2: Because a narcissist wants to control you

Have you ever been harassed, chased or provoked by your ex-partner?

Many narcissists stalk their ex-partner for weeks, months, and even years after the relationship has ended.

Man controlled by a narcissist in control

Especially if you are the one who has ended the relationship or if your narcissistic ex-partner notices that you are moving on with your life, you can become a victim of this.

After all, this threatens the sense of control your ex-partner once had over you.

With this, your ex-partner is letting you know that he hasn’t forgotten about you, that he’s still watching you.

“Don’t think you can just get on with your life!” is a frequently heard threat from a narcissistic ex-partner.

terrifying! You probably know that if you’ve ever experienced this yourself.

Man points at someone else and threatens this person

A narcissist always comes back when he feels he is in danger of losing the control he once had over you.

You were so hoping to be rid of him and the control he exercised, but… there he is again and again.

If your narcissistic ex-partner continues to stalk you and if you find the strength not to be intimidated by this, then this is a good sign. After all, this means that your ex-partner knows that he or she can no longer exercise power over you.

Reason 3: Because a narcissist wants to punish you

One last reason a narcissist may come back is to punish you.

“How dare you go on without me?”

“How dare you say goodbye to me?”

Even if you have been dumped by your narcissistic ex-partner , you can still be confronted with such statements.

Also Read :Silence Treatment By A Narcissist? 4 Signals + 6 Easy Tips

Couple who broke up and both look at the ground opposite each other

Because your ex-partner notices that you are moving on with your life – or perhaps found a new love – he uses this manipulation technique to punish you, as it were.

But why is a narcissist so focused on punishment?

If you go on with your life, a narcissist realizes very well that you are no longer ‘under the spell’ of him. That he or she is no longer the center of your existence.

By taking your life into your own hands, you have seriously bruised his or her ego. He no longer influences you and that is unacceptable for a narcissist.

Man looks seriously ahead with two women next to him

A narcissist wants to punish you because you are no longer the trophy he or she has been chasing so hard for.

The more he realizes this, the more reasons he will find to keep coming back to you.

I hope you now understand very well why a narcissist always comes back. I hope even more that you understand that if your ex-partner wants to get back to you, it’s not about you at all. A narcissist always comes back out of self-interest.

I fully understand that if you are in this situation you are wondering when a narcissist will finally leave you alone and how best to respond to this.

Woman raising her hand questioningly

That is why I would like to go into this a little more deeply.

How can you avoid having a narcissist come back to you?

Tip 1: Never blame yourself

Now that you can clearly see your ex as the narcissist they were, and you recognize how unhealthy those patterns you were involved in all along were, you’re probably ashamed of what happened…

You may be wondering how you can be so “naive,” “stupid,” or “gullible.” You can feel especially ashamed if you are with family or friends who saw it coming from afar.

Woman looking down in shame with her hand over her eyes

Narcissists are experts in seduction, and you are only human.

Just because they treat you like garbage doesn’t mean it’s easy to get over a narcissist. In fact, this kind of breakup is often one of the hardest to move on.

You feel up and down, over and over – it’s as much of a rollercoaster as your relationship itself. So here’s exactly how to get over a narcissist once and for all.

Don’t fall for it. Remind yourself again and again why you left to avoid being manipulated by your narcissistic ex or worse, dating them again.

Why The Narcissist Always Comes Back

The best way to do this is to have no contact.

Tip 2: Find ways to deal with your fears

Your narcissist has probably kept you on edge for months or years, and your nervous system is probably still firing in that direction.

Leaving can also lead to new tensions or fears, making your anxiety even worse. Plus, sex has stopped, so you don’t have the dopamine and oxytocin that helped keep your head above water.

Long, slow deep breathing, yoga, dancing, swimming and other forms of exercise. Do something every day, every time you need it.

Man running from his own big shadow

Tip 3: Stop looking back

If you’ve been with your narcissist for an extended period of time, you may look back and wonder why you wasted so much time on him.

And if you’ve built up a ton of debt for them or have their kids, you’ve got a lot more than wasted time on your plate.

The important thing is that you got out. Try to stop looking back and focus on your freedom and the future.

Man looks back at the girl behind him

Tip 4: Focus on self-love

Since one of the narcissist’s strategies is to put others down to better themselves, it’s unlikely you ever heard compliments, support, or appreciation once the temptation phase was over.

You may also have experienced verbal abuse. Narcissists want you to remain insecure, so being sure of yourself is foreign territory for you right now. You may also have lost confidence in your own judgment as a result of gaslighting for so long .

The video below is from  Caitlyn Roux talking about self-love at TEDxYouth.

Where to start to heal from all this?

Never assume that your narcissistic ex-partner is completely gone from your life.

He or she can always come back to you because he needs narcissistic supplies, wants to control you or to punish you – at least in his eyes.

Not because he loves you. Remember this well! It’s not about you at all, it’s about him or her.

You’ve pretty much had it with your narcissistic partner who keeps coming to apologize or showing up everywhere you go. The countless messages drive you crazy and you have already put your phone on silent mode.

Person holding phone and looking at messages

You are probably wondering what to do in this situation and how best to respond to your ex’s countless hoovering attempts.

The answer is simpler than you may think: never, ever respond!

Think of your narcissistic ex-partner as a stranger. Don’t let his or her attempts to get back to you slip away like water from a duck.

You have finally – probably after a very difficult period – managed to break free from this toxic person. Don’t look back.

Don’t fall into the trap. If you give in once, your narcissistic ex-partner will come back to you again and again and take advantage of you.

Man holds up a sign that reads 'I don't care'

Hoovering as a manipulation technique

Learn about the hoovering techniques narcissists use to come back to you so that you can recognize them in time.

If you don’t respond to your ex-partner’s hoovering attempts, you show that you have become much stronger emotionally. You are no longer the victim of your narcissistic ex-partner.

Removing your ex-partner from your life completely is the best way to keep him or her from coming back to you. Literally: no contact!

Person with phone in his hand

Unfortunately, this is practically not always possible. You may still need to keep in touch for the sake of the kids or joint ownership.

If for some reason the ‘no contact’ rule is not possible, make yourself as uninteresting as possible.

  • Make sure you are the dullest person in the world in the eyes of your narcissistic ex-partner.
  • Keep all conversations to the bare minimum.
  • Above all, don’t respond to his or her countless provocations and believe me… there will be a lot.

Once a narcissist feels that you are no longer falling into his trap, you will no longer be interesting to him.

If you persist, he will realize that he can no longer use you to satisfy his narcissistic needs and will likely quickly look for another victim.

Also Read:10 Dangerous Symptoms That Indicate A Narcissist


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