Why you, as a pleaser, have trouble with boundaries and how you learn to feel them

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Why you, as a pleaser, have trouble with boundaries and how you learn to feel them

If you are a pleasing type, you probably experience a certain limitlessness in your life. Your feelers are very outwardly directed and you are sensitive to the energy, emotions, and vibes of other people. Because of this, you can lose contact with yourself and your body and it feels like you are being lived. Restoring contact with your body and learning where your limits actually lie on a physical, emotional, mental and energetic level is key to getting back in tune with yourself and starting living instead of surviving.

Are you a pleaser? These are the features

 Please behavior has different faces and expresses itself in different ways. Below is a selection of the most common expressions of the pleaser identity.

The link with limitlessness

Why you, as a pleaser, have trouble with boundaries and how you learn to feel them

As a pleaser, you may also have difficulty with boundaries. Just look at some of the above examples. You can see the difference between limitlessness in yourself and in relation to others.

The limitlessness in relation to others has mainly to do with not being able (or unwilling to) distinguish your needs, energy, feelings, opinions, thoughts, etc. You can, as it were, overflow with the other and no longer know where you stop and the other starts. You pick up everything from your environment and take over things that are not yours. This then manifests itself in please behavior. Once this becomes your autopilot, connecting with your own authentic emotions, thoughts, etc. is an insane challenge. It has become so common for you to wear, “fix” or adapt to these things belonging to someone else.

The limitlessness in yourself manifests itself when you take too much on your plate or when you sacrifice yourself and your needs for someone else. Maybe you don’t take enough breaks and rest or you don’t listen to your body when it is giving you signals. Because as a pleaser you find it important to be there for others, even if it is at the expense of yourself, there is a risk that you will (structurally) go beyond your limits. It could also be that you are not doing it for someone else, but out of a belief that you just have to work hard to be a “good” or “perfect” person.

Why feeling is the key for a pleaser

Why you, as a pleaser, have trouble with boundaries and how you learn to feel them

 Before you can connect with your authentic core and explore what is yours and what is not, it is important that you KNOW at all that there is a limitlessness on some level.

That limitlessness can be very subtle and take place on an abstract level (so not necessarily visible), so that you cannot pinpoint it in the first place. Fortunately, the different levels (emotional, mental, energetic, and physical) are connected. That’s exactly why the feeling is so important. By feeling you learn to identify what happens to you in certain situations, you can learn where and when you are limitless and what reactions you have to auto-pilot that make you live.

The starting point for learning to feel

Why you, as a pleaser, have trouble with boundaries and how you learn to feel them

Sensing boundaries works best in my opinion (but do research it yourself ;)) on a physical level so in your body. If you are used to mainly living by heart and your energy is directed outwards, you can start restoring the connection with your body. To learn to feel again and to be in tune with it.

You can make contact with your body at any time of the day because you have continuous access to it. Your body is always with you. The key, as with everything, is that you do this consciously and with attention. For example, you can take 3 deep breaths and pause. Really check in with yourself; how do I feel now? How am I? What do I need?

If you are unable to name this for yourself, you can tune in even more on the tactile level of your body and name physical sensations. What physical sensations do you experience? Heat/cold? A pressure or pulling feeling? Do you feel something move? See if you can look at it without judgment and just name it.

The more often you practice this, the better you will be able to take care of yourself and identify and listen to your needs, feelings, etc.

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