Thursday, December 1, 2022
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Yes but… how? That’s the wrong question!

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When I was 24, I got really stuck. I was mentally, physically and energy-wise. I had doubts about everything, I no longer knew what I wanted, who I was or what made me happy. I had many physical complaints and was just tired. I couldn’t muster energy or enjoy anything anymore.

I didn’t know how to get out of here. That there seemed to be no one who had an answer for me frustrated me enormously. I was sent from pillar to post, I tried everything and nothing seemed to help. Then I definitely have to reinvent the wheel myself… I definitely have to do it alone again…, were the thoughts that went through my head. Because doing it all alone, standing alone, that was what I knew.

And somewhere deep down I was also convinced that no one really understood me and that I was the only one who could do it myself…

Where is the step-by-step plan?

Yes but ... how - step-by-step plan

And yet I always had that noble hope that somewhere there would be a step-by-step plan ready for me.
That there was someone somewhere who understood me and could tell me exactly what to do, when to do it and how to do it. That’s what I wanted!

And that’s what I was actively looking for. On the internet, with doctors and therapists. In courses, workshops, training. Self-help books, blogs, podcasts. You name it.
I found out that there are plenty of step-by-step plans if you look for them.

Unfortunately, there was no single step-by-step plan that worked for me.
Was I weird then? Was I a special case again?
Why does this work for everyone but not me?

The effect of that was counterproductive. It only made me feel worse and lonely, my confidence plummeted and I felt more and more like a failure.
Why couldn’t I?

Now that I look back on it, years later, I know it wasn’t just me as a person. I was not a failure. I just asked the wrong question.

‘How?’ is the wrong question.

The How question is a question that only I can answer myself. No one else can do that for me. Every person is unique. There is not 1 solution or 1 step-by-step plan that works for everyone. And the answer cannot be found in the outside world, but only in myself.

I had to walk my own path, discover my own path. And I don’t find that path by looking at others and by adapting to the outside world. I only find that path when I dare to stand still. When I dare to look within, when I dare to feel what there is to feel. When I dare to follow my own inner compass. No matter how scary and uncomfortable this is. And regardless of what the outside world thinks about it.

Yes but ... how - step-by-step plan

So what are the right questions?

I realize that this sounds very vague at the moment when you are not used to making contact with yourself. And that you now tend to ask: “Yes, but how do I do that? Oh no… ‘How’ was not the right question, but what is the right question?”

The moment you run into this, there are a number of questions that can help you further. The Where, What and Who Questions .

Where do these feelings or complaints come from?

Sometimes complaints or feelings can be explained very clearly. For example: I exercised a lot yesterday and that’s why I have muscle pain today. But very often we make assumptions about vague complaints:

I must have worked too hard. Or: it runs in the family. But is that so? Is that really a reason to feel this way? Dare to be really curious, dare to question and look a little deeper.

For example, you could do this through writing exercises, write down the situation and your first assumption and then ask yourself on paper. That headache that runs in the family, because my mother and grandmother have it too.

Is this assumption correct? Yes. Okay, then what are the similarities between you, your mother and your grandmother? etc.. write down intuitively everything that comes to mind, even if it doesn’t sound logical to your head, so a lot can become clear. If you don’t like writing, meditating on it, philosophizing about it, drawing or portraying it might work better for you. What works is different for everyone, find out what works best for you.

What does my body want to tell me?

Physical complaints and feelings are there for a reason. They are signal functions. It is the way your body communicates with you. So don’t immediately take a painkiller when you have a headache so you can continue, but stop for a moment and ask yourself what your body wants to tell you with this headache? If you start working with your body in this way, you will come into balance much more easily.

To achieve this, it is best to sit quietly and move towards the pain. Just feel: Where exactly is it? How does it feel? Be curious without judgment. And then you can explore what this feeling wants to tell you in the same way as I described in the previous paragraph. The answer is already within you, you just have to find the door where it is hidden behind.

Who can help me with this?

Who can help me to understand this better or to teach me how to deal with it? Who can help me how to act on this so that I can get in touch with myself again?

Do you find it difficult to determine the Where and What questions yourself, or to take action on them, don’t be afraid to ask for help. It is not weak to ask for help. It is actually very powerful and can save you a lot of time, energy and frustration!

I’m curious, is this recognizable to you? Where are you right now?

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