In this article, wherever ‘he’ or ‘him’ is used, you can also read ‘she’ or ‘her’.
He will make you believe in the fairy tale of ‘the ideal love’ and envision a wonderful relationship – with all the romantic characteristics that go with it.
The dangerous charisma plays an important role in the narcissistic seduction arts and because a narcissist is often so much fun, you quickly fall in love. He is erotic, sexually arousing, cunning and smart. His manipulative charm makes it easy for him to impress you with money, sex, and affection. He enchants, idealizes and is often very seductive.
A narcissist uses different “traps” to seduce you. Let’s see what the first three look like.
Val 1: ‘the idealization phase’
This first trap in the narcissistic relationship is also referred to as ‘the idealization phase’. You only get to see the seductive qualities of narcissism in the beginning, the bad things come much later. In the first stage, he will be the person of your dreams. He respects you and puts you on a pedestal.
In the beginning of the relationship, the attraction of the narcissist will be further increased, because he will pretend to be your soul mate. This goes very far. In the first phase of the relationship, he agrees with you on everything. He likes everything you like. He likes what you eat too. He likes the same music and he laughs at the same things. He makes sure that he mirrors your behavior down to the last detail. This makes you quickly think that you have found the ideal love.
The relationship will often go quickly and violently, because a narcissist usually rushes to confirm the relationship. He wants to ‘capture’ you as soon as possible by living together, getting married or having children.
Trap 2: the ‘devaluation phase’
Once he feels that he has entrapped you emotionally, financially, or practically, the narcissist will set the next trap. The abrupt, unscrupulous devaluation you then see is a regular part of narcissistic abuse.
All narcissists idealize you at first and then suddenly devalue you. During this devaluation phase, the narcissist will try to show you that you no longer matter to him through a series of demeaning behaviors. He will bring you down, leave you temporarily, he will shamelessly ignore you or even become aggressive. Usually without you having any idea what you did wrong that made him suddenly change like that.
The beautiful love story from the beginning is suddenly a terrible nightmare.
Every now and then he will also let the idealization phase come back. That’s to convince you that as long as you just let him have his way, he will reward you with loving behavior.
It is precisely this variety that ensures that you continue to believe in the ‘beautiful beginning of the relationship.’ You want that loving person back and you quickly give him his way. This is often very subtle and, without noticing it, you adapt yourself more and more. You start to step on your toes more and more and so you give away more and more part of yourself.
Trap 3: Social isolation
Another trap the narcissist uses to make you totally dependent on him is to sabotage your social contacts. He will try to isolate you from social support by criticizing pretty much everyone you know.
He is out to destroy your network. In this way, he guarantees your exclusive attention.
He will probably also try to drive a wedge between you and your family or friends. Because of this social isolation, there is a chance that you will eventually have no one left and you will feel even more dependent on the narcissist.
The Illusion of Ideal Narcissistic Love
A narcissist will not acknowledge your feelings and instead will try to manipulate and devalue you even more. When you confront him about his behavior, he gets angry. No matter how much you give of yourself, it will never be enough. The hole in the narcissist is so big and so deep that in many ways it is a bottomless pit.
Love with a narcissist is an illusion. Simply because the love you hope for has never really been there from the start.
This kind of “love” is only there to satisfy the narcissist’s need. He only gives attention to get attention back. It’s calculating.
It seems contradictory, but the more love you show in the relationship, the more he will abuse you. He despises everyone who falls for his cunning tricks, including you, because you succumb to his false love.
It is painful to realize this, but it is important to understand that this is a set narcissistic pattern and does not stop on its own. He sees your love as a tacit approval to continue to abuse you. And as long as you allow it, he will continue to do so. Understand that this narcissistic pattern will not change and it cannot possibly make your life difficult.
One of the most incomprehensible things about a narcissistic relationship is the fact that the more love you give, the less love you will receive.
These unhappy relationships are not meant to be clung to. There will come a time when you see the pattern, only to withdraw from the relationship and move on with your own life.